Disenfranchised Grief: When no one seems to understand your loss

I’ve been talking to many individuals lately who have experienced ectopic pregnancies, chemical pregnancies, and complicated deliveries. During all of these conversations, I noticed a theme of disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief refers to “the types of loss that are not so readily recognised or supported by society.” Grief therapist Lisa Zoll explains that this type of grief happens in one of three ways: 1) the relationship is not recognised, 2) the loss is not recognised, or 3) the griever’s right to grieve is not recognised.

When it comes to the death of a partner or child, society can empathize. It’s clear: there once was a person, and now this person is no longer here. However, when situations are not as clear-cut, it’s as if others don’t understand how to support us. Our grief experience is real and intense; yet, it feels we’re not entitled to our sadness and distress. There is little acknowledgement or validation of our experiences.

Examples of disenfranchised grief:

• Grieving someone you didn’t like or who did not treat you well. There are many confusing emotions when our abusive partner or parent passes away. In this moment, it is so important to recognize dialectical thinking. We can be relieved that we are no longer experiencing abuse AND grieve the loss of this person. With complicated relationships like these ones, there are many questions that will be left unanswered (e.g. Why did you do this?) There is also the finality of circumstances, which prevents us from ever repairing this relationship. It’s very easy in this phase to get caught up in “what if” questions.

• Parents who have experienced difficult child birth experiences (e.g. NICU visits, unplanned C-sections). Friends and family can feel confused by the grief experienced when a baby comes home, but parents are still caught in a state of mourning. These parents have had many components of their pregnancy and postpartum care taken from them. They have lost weeks of blissful pregnancy. They have had days or hours taken away from them as they watch their baby in the NICU uncertain when they will be able to leave safely. It feels like there is no closure or resolution to the sense of panic despite having left the hospital. These parents can experience difficulties with attachment to their little one, or low self-confidence in their parenting because they are caught in that moment of loss.

• The loss of a partner from an extramarital affair/taboo relationship. Grief is grief, irrespective of how the relationship formed. When we lose someone we love, it hurts. Because affairs are taboo in our society, publicly mourning the loss of this partner is met with less support or compassion. Similarly, individuals who are not ready or able to identify openly as LGBTQ (+) can experience disenfranchised grief when mourning the end of relationship. If these individuals have not informed others about their sexual orientation, there is no space or safety to grieve the end of a relationship.

• Our loved one has not passed away, but is no longer available to us. This can occur for a variety of different reasons such as: divorce, moving away, family conflict, mental health, etc. In these moments, grieving individuals are often given dismissive feedback such as :”You’re better off with him”, “It’s a normal part of life, why are you so upset?” or “I would be so angry if I were in your shoes.”

• Our loved one has passed away due to suicide, overdose, or some form of mental health struggles (e.g. complications from eating disorders). Unfortunately, because the circumstances surrounding these deaths are complicated and often stigmatised, community members may not know how to address the grief. This can often lead support people to avoid the topic, or worse, avoid grievers in order to prevent an “awkward” conversation.

• Reproductive loss: e.g. chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, still births, elective abortions. Parents can experience a variety of emotions when facing the struggles of reproduction. Miscarriages are so common, occurring in approximately 1/4 pregnancies. Infertility issues happen in approximately 1/6 couples. These individuals are on a roller coaster of hope and grief with each attempt in reproduction.
  
• Becoming a parent. By transitioning into this new stage of life, old friendships may fade. There is less time for our former hobbies and interests. A solid night’s rest is no longer guaranteed. Body shapes and sizes may fluctuate following delivery. When others come to visit, we are more likely to receive positive feedback about the baby. However, there is limited discussion and less acceptance about a parent’s sadness in adjusting to this new lifestyle.

• The grief has happened a long time ago: Somehow, a metric was created that classified grief as “complicated bereavement” after 6-12 months from the date of a loved one’s passing. This metric suggests that after a year, the grief should have become integrated into your life. While it’s okay to be sad about the death, it’s not considered “normal” to feel grief as intensely.

What can I do?

• Recognise that your symptoms are in relation to the grief. Grief can vary for each individual. It may show up as anger, avoidance, endless tears, guilt, emotional numbing, or other forms of expression. Allowing yourself to accept that you are grieving helps you shift away from dismissing your own experiences. Your loss is real and valid.

• There is no time line for grief. You do not have to be okay after 12 months. This loss meant a lot to you. It had a significant impact in your life. Why should you feel at peace after a year? That doesn’t mean you will not adapt, or that there is anything wrong if you feel better after a year. We all process and cope differently. It is not a race, there is no magic formula that will tell us how quickly we’ll be “over it.”

• Let go of the pressure to “get over it”. You can decide if or when you want to talk about the grief. Writer and psychotherapist Megan Devine has a beautiful framework she uses with grief called “the vomit metric.” Whenever you feel the pressure “to move forward” from the grief, think about how intensely the thought makes you want to vomit. For example, if thinking about decluttering your child’s room 4 years after they have passed away makes you want to vomit, it means you’re not ready. This is okay! Again, it’s helpful to shift away from focusing on what we “should do” by accepting what we are ready to do. Whenever you feel motivated to declutter, that is the best time.

• Find like-minded people. While your immediate social circle may not understand the ins and outs of this grief, there may be others who are struggling with similar grief. Sign up, whether it is via an informal facebook group or a formal support group, to connect with others who are sharing these experiences. Examples of support groups include: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Network, Family and Caregiver Support (for those whose loved ones have mental health diagnoses), and Divorce Care Recovery.
  
• Consider how you want life to look like today. You may not be ready to think of a five year plan just yet. However, when you consider your readiness and your current distress, what would you like to do today? What are you able to manage? What can you push for, and when do you need to stop? Every day will vary, and this is normal.

• Create a ritual that works for you. Give yourself the opportunity to remember your loss on a regular interval (if you want to). This may involve writing a letter to your unborn baby on the day of her birth. You may chose to journal regularly whenever the grief is at its peak. Perhaps you send a financial contribution to the mental health organization of your choice on specific anniversaries. Alternatively, you may decide to stay in your pyjamas, take the day off work, and allow yourself to cry and reminisce about your loved one on the day of his passing. There is no right or wrong way to do this ritual. It truly depends on what feels most natural and comforting for you.

• If and when you’re ready, speak up. Talk about the loss as much as you need to with your support system. Do this when you are at a place of patience, as many of your friends and family will likely botch up in knowing what to say. If you have the patience for it, guide them in what you need from them. Be clear when certain comments are not helpful. None of these people will make the pain or sadness go away; however, there is incredible power that comes with knowing you are cared for.

Every social system is different. Some individuals experience grief, and are met with support and empathy by friends and family. I hope this is the case for you. However, if you are struggling with loss and finding yourself isolated, please reach out. There is no right way or right time to work through these emotions. When you want to work through the grief, please know that there are a variety of options to support you in processing these feelings, such as journaling, support groups, or individual-counselling.

Kasi