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6 Ways to work with the negative voice in your head
Category: Mental Health
The inconvenient truth about why therapy takes so long
You had high hopes when you signed up for therapy. You imagined the end result where problems were manageable, relationships were healed, and your mental health was top notch. With these goals in mind, you began the journey of connecting with a therapist, saying: “Help me change. Make this stop hurting.”
But, now you’re starting to realize that therapy can take its sweet time in order to work. Perhaps you’ve already invested several sessions (or several months of sessions) into this healing experience. You may be feeling a tad frustrated. When are you finally going to start seeing some progress? When will you be “healed”? Why does therapy take so long?
If you’re in this stage, I know it’s really hard to be patient. Clearly, you’re motivated to get better. Despite all of your good intentions, you’re not seeing the change you want to see. It can be incredibly frustrating when you’re giving it your best efforts, and it still feels like you’re stuck.
Unfortunately, the answer for why therapy takes so long is complicated. The progression you experience in therapy can be influenced by a variety of different factors, such as: the complexity of your needs, your comfort with your therapist, fears of change, external pressures, and your expectations (just to name a few!).
The Real Reasons Why Therapy Takes Time
1. Working with ambivalence
Therapeutic change means we have to process some of the most challenging moments of your life. We have to face the emotional burdens and beliefs that you’ve carried from a tender age. While this may sound fair and reasonable, it is easier said than done. It takes a lot of courage and willingness to speak to a therapist about our shame, our insecurities, and our painful stuck points. There may be parts of you hesitant to discuss these facets of your history, while other parts of you are eager to get on with it. This tug of war is normal.
Rather than forcing yourself to talk, let your therapist know you’re struggling with this internal battle. Your therapist can help you work with this ambivalence first. Doing this extra step helps to reduce overwhelm and resistance, and allows you to safely address these challenging topics.
2. Building Trust
Your trust may have been tested (and burned) in other relationships. Your experiences in the past have led you to be cautious about opening up. Once bitten, twice shy, so to speak. Rather than put yourself through this again, it feels safer to stay on the surface level, and focus on “easy” topics during therapy. While there are some benefits to this decision (e.g. you’re in your comfort zone), there are also costs. You don’t get to deal with the issues that are actually bothering you.
In these situations, be honest with your therapist. Name this block, and allow it to be there in the therapy space. Your mind won’t question why therapy is taking so long when you’re acknowledging that the trust isn’t quite there. It’s okay to stay with the surface level topics until trust is built. Your therapist can gently guide you into working with these blocks in a safe and effective way. This process will take time, and that is okay.
But can I trust my therapist?
It takes a lot of courage to open up to a virtual stranger. Here you are showing up with your most vulnerable wounds, and you’re supposed to blindly trust that this person can handle it? Of course you’d feel cautious!
You don’t know me outside of these blogs and the therapy space. It’s absolutely fair that you take all the time you need to judge and assess if I can be trusted.
With any therapeutic relationship, you have to consider: Is your therapist consistent? Will your therapist judge you? Can your therapist handle what you’re about to share?
I recommend providing a few tidbits about yourself to see how your therapist reacts. Therapy can take time because it’s a relationship. As with any relationship, you need time to build trust.
3. What’s happening in your world?
When you’re in the safe confines of a therapy room, you can show up. You can let your guards down. You can be expressive and messy. You can stop being so responsible. There’s nothing to do or accomplish during the hour other than talk to someone who really wants to hear you and help you feel understood. So, if you do all of this, why doesn’t it feel better?
These hours in therapy may be rich and nourishing for your system. However, what is your world like outside of these hours? Who do you have to face when you go home? What hardships, threats and vulnerabilities are waiting for you as soon as you walk out that door?
Therapy can do a significant amount of healing in your internal world. But, it can be hard to appreciate this change when you’re returning back to the same daily hardships. In these situations, healing means making changes in your internal and your external world in order for your mental health to improve. Again, this takes time. It takes time to decide if you want to leave an abusive relationship, find a new job, or move to a safer neighbourhood. It takes time to carry out these changes.
4. Can I give therapy the time and effort it needs?
If you’re attending therapy regularly, you’re taking the time out of your busy day to arrive and do the work. Beyond the hour of therapy, you may be encouraged to do some homework such as journalling or meditation. Therapy requires your patience and persistence.
Doing this type of work regularly can come at a cost. There are many obstacles to address, like finding the time, energy, finances, and childcare to make this all work. That’s no small feat. You are doing the best you can, and this should be celebrated not judged.
Therapy takes time when you’re not able to attend regularly. When this is the case, I encourage you to focus on the progress you’ve made (both big and small), rather than the amount of work that is yet to be done. This will help to keep you motivated and on track towards achieving recovery.
5. Is this the right therapist or the right type of therapy?
Not every therapist is going to be a good fit. Your therapist might not have the right set of skills to meet your needs. Perhaps your schedules don’t align. Maybe you’re just not a fan of the way this therapist communicates. These are all barriers to moving forward.
Similarly, not every therapy style is going to be right for you. You may prefer a cognitive approach instead of using mindfulness. You might want a therapy style that is directive and tells you to try x, y, and z steps for homework. Maybe you just want to chat with someone and explore your unconscious thoughts and feelings. Get to know your preferences and what feels effective for you.
There are dozens of therapeutic approaches to use. There are many therapists available. It’s okay to shop around and find out what best suits you.
How You Can Make the Most of Therapy
Despite the length of time it takes, there are a number of ways you can make the most of the therapy process.
- Remember why you are doing therapy in the first place and to stay focused on this goal. What are you hoping to achieve?
- Keep track of what’s different in your emotions and behaviours. Do you get triggered in the same way? Do you respond to situations differently? Do you feel calmer inside? Are you able to notice your emotions without feeling overwhelmed?
- Let your therapist know what would help build trust in this relationship. While you should always be courteous and kind, it’s not an attack to tell your therapist that you’re feeling cautious about opening up. This lets your therapist learn more about your comfort in trusting new people.
- Therapy will often require difficult conversations and working through uncomfortable feelings and memories. Be clear with yourself and your therapist about what you’re ready to process, and what feels inaccessible. Respect your boundaries, and trust your therapist to guide you in the next steps.
- Take care of yourself and foster healthy relationships. Therapy takes time. In the interim, get enough sleep, spend time with loved ones, and follow self-care practices to keep you going.
Reach out
Trust yourself and your ability to be patient and persistent in this process. Therapy is a journey. There are opportunities to meander, get lost, or go back a few steps before heading back on track. The work can be slow, but you can get there.
Kasi Shan, MSW, RSW
Kasi Shan Therapy is located in Kitchener, Ontario. She offers in-person and online appointments supporting individuals with struggling with trauma and perinatal mental health.
How to overcome shame
Your system holds a lot of shame. There is shame about who you are as a person. You feel that you do not belong and are unloveable. You have been rejected by others. There’s no way you’ll put yourself out there again. You carry shame about earlier decisions. Because you acted this way, you feel raw and exposed. There is a constant sense of dread that reminds you, “Never again will I make that mistake.” You hold a lot of shame about failures. You’ve messed up, said the wrong thing, wrote the wrong answer. Your stomach goes in knots just thinking about it. You feel ashamed about inaction. It repeats incessantly that you should have done something, acted differently, or reacted faster. You feel ashamed about who you are as a parent. You keep thinking your kids would do better with someone else. When all of this is hurtling towards you, how do you overcome shame?
Dealing with Shame
It’s hard to acknowledge our shame. We worry that others will judge and reject us for our deepest insecurities, so we don’t speak up. Because shame is so uncomfortable, we tend to push it away. We avoid addressing it, only to have it repeatedly show up. We feel awful, alone, and hopeless in this pattern.
Thanks to Brené Brown, most of us have are familiar with the benefits of addressing shame and vulnerability. In theory, we know one of the best ways out of shame is to be nice to ourselves and accept that we are imperfect human beings. Dealing with shame involves validation, self-compassion and seeking connection with others. That’s the simpler answer. The more complicated answer involves addressing all of the parts of us that block this work. To overcome shame, we have to deal with many other internal layers (e.g. our inner critics, our avoidant parts, our self-hatred, our panic, and other struggling emotions).
Getting to know our parts:
Internal Family Systems therapy recognizes that our mind is compartmentalized into protective categories or “parts”. There are three different parts inside of us: Managers, Firefighters and Exiles. In order to overcome shame, we need to understand how these parts play a unique role in improving and delaying our healing.
Exiles
During traumatic and painful events, our minds suffer. We struggle to get through these horrible events. As time goes on, we start to carry negative beliefs about ourselves based on what we experienced. We suddenly feel we are insignificant, weak, unattractive, incompetent and don’t belong. These wounded parts of our personality are what IFS refers to as “exiles.” Exiles absorb the impact of traumatic and difficult events. Exiled parts carry our vulnerable emotions and beliefs. They learn to feel ashamed of themselves, that there is something fundamentally bad and flawed about them. Shame is not an innate feeling. We are not born feeling ashamed of ourselves. It is something we’ve learned based on our environment and experiences.
Sitting with our shameful exiles can feel unbearable, so we form some protection. We do whatever we can to prevent these parts from becoming triggered. We do whatever we can to shut them down quickly if they are triggered.
Managers
“Managers” are the first layer of protection. These parts help us stay safe by doing whatever is possible to stop our exiled parts from getting triggered. For example, if your exiles believe that you are unattractive, your manager parts may pester you to work out daily or wear makeup. If your exiles cannot trust your own judgement, then you may have manager parts that constantly seek reassurance from others. Worried about being stupid? Your manager parts prevent you from every trying or moving up the career path so your intelligence will never be assessed.
Manager parts focus on preventing us from feeling hurt, wounded, ashamed, or any other exiled emotion. They do this by pushing us, criticizing us, reminding us to keep going, doing more and never becoming vulnerable again.
Firefighters
The second layer of protection is referred to as “firefighters.” When our exiled parts are freaking out inside, our firefighters know it’s important to contain that flame. So they react. They work on quick fixes to settle the fire down. They use distractions and various forms of self-soothing when our system gets triggered. For example: someone calls you unattractive, your firefighters seek comfort in a nice bottle or three of wine. You realize you made a mistake at work, your firefighter parts draw attention away by yelling at other colleagues. Your exiled part is triggered for overeating, your firefighters compensate by purging and over-exercise. Firefighter parts are aware that the pain has come up, and they focus on getting rid of that pain as quickly as possible through any means possible.
Shame Starts Young
When we are young, we long to be loved and accepted. We want to belong and feel significant. When our parents meet these needs, we’ve struck gold. Our system can relax when we make mistakes. We don’t personalize it, and we move on fairly quickly.
For those of us who have not “struck gold”, our system gets hijacked following a mistake. We fear reproach, criticism, disappointment, anger, or any form of negative feedback from our caregivers. As kids, we don’t have a whole lot of resources, so we internalize these messages. We start to believe that there is something wrong with us: We are a screw up, we are incompetent, we do not deserve good things. This moment creates our exiled parts.
How our parts become intertwined in the shame pattern
Despite knowing that we will continue to be hurt and rejected, we can’t help but reach out to our caregivers. What other choice do we have at a young age? Our exiled parts are always looking for a better ending. They want redemption. They want our parents to somehow stop their patterns of anger and criticism, and instead, turn to us with love and warmth.
Our manager parts are also paying attention to these attempts. Our managers learn what is and is not effective in keeping your exiled parts from getting in trouble and feeling ashamed. They are aware of what pisses off your parents, and triggers your exiles to feel ashamed once again. For example, if you know that being slim and attractive gets your mom’s approval, your managers will continue to berate you to go to the gym and start another diet. Ironically, these managers shame us for making the wrong choices in order to get us to learn. You don’t need your mom to continue to shame you, your manager parts will repeat her words for you.
Unfortunately, our exiled parts keep trying. Your mother may present as biting and cold, but this doesn’t stop your exiled part. You continue to invite her to outings, provide thoughtful mother’s day gifts and call every Sunday. When you are hurt and rejected by her lack of interest, your firefighters come in trying to extinguish the pain. They encourage you to drink, hook up with a random person, lash out at your partner, or any other means in hopes of releasing this shame. And, once again, our managers (e.g. that harsh inner critic) attack for making poor decisions.
Working with our protective parts to overcome shame
Forgive me for using a Shrek reference here. IFS reminds me of Shrek’s comments that ogres are like onions: we all have layers. There are layers and layers of protection we use to keep our exiled parts safe. We can’t deal with shame if we do not address the managers and firefighters that maintain our shame cycle. As Donkey wisely reminds Shrek: “”You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your own feelings!” We get so caught in protecting ourselves, we get scared to actually help our exiled parts.
To overcome shame, we have to first work with our protective parts. It’s hard to show love and self-compassion if a harsh critical voice keeps dismissing your kindness. You may have difficulty forgiving yourself if a firefighter part continues to binge drink. Shame rarely works alone; it always come with protection. So to overcome shame, we have to work with your entire system. We have to gain trust and permission from these protective parts to give you some space so that you can work with your exiles.
Internal Family Systems Therapy and your shame
In therapy, I focus on creating a safe space for your entire system to show up. This includes all the parts of you that are eager to get started, as well as the parts of you that dread working on these issues. This is normal. When we have experienced shame or been shamed by others, our system launches into a protective stance. It’s braced for rejection and judgement, even in the context of a safe therapy setting. It’s important to take the time to build that therapeutic trust before launching in to your most vulnerable concerns.
Shame deserves self-compassion, belonging and validation. Healing comes from witnessing these painful moments, learning to see the safety in today, and trust in your own capacity to handle things differently. The resources you had back then are not what you have available today. Your exiles and protective layers aren’t always aware of that. They often see you still stuck in that place of trauma, and react accordingly.
Reach out
If you are struggling with shame, and would like to work with your internal system, reach out. Schedule a free consult to see if this is a good fit for you.
All the best,
Kasi
The fear of abandonment: Why am I trying so hard?
Does the fear of abandonment push you to act in undesirable ways? How often do you jump through hoops to suit another person? Do you feel a constant pressure to do more and be more so that others are not upset with you?
To cope with these fears, you may have learned to keep your guard up. Rather than acknowledge your humanness, you may try and hide inabilities or flaws. By demonstrating only these “acceptable behaviours”, you have managed to stay safe. This way, others will not walk away, be upset or disappointed with you.
Sound familiar?
The need for connection
I hope the above words do not cause shame or embarrassment. I am writing them to emphasize the commonality of this experience. Many of us fear being alone. This is normal. In its own complicated way, the fear of abandonment is meant to be helpful. To be human is to want connection. From an evolutionary standpoint, those who had community, had more resources and support.
“We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason, it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.
Dalai Lama
Understanding the roots of our fear:
The fear of abandonment does not come out of nowhere. It is a learned survival mechanism that comes after experiencing some form of hardship. I want you to consider how your own history. How did your experiences influence having this fear? The following questions can help you explore further:
- Grief and Loss: Have you lost an important person in your life growing up? Did this experience cause you to worry about others leaving you?
- Learned messages from parents: What were the rules growing up? What did your parents require of you? What behaviours did they praise and what did they reprimand? How did your parents respond to your successes versus failures? Did your parents’ love feel unconditional?
- Learned messages from culture and society: What was idealized in the media? What were the rules that your parents followed, and then, asked as of you? If you witnessed others rebel outside of these standards, how were they treated?
- Friendships: What messages did you pick up from your friends about fitting in? What caused fights? Did you experience rejection from peer groups? How did this come about? What did you do to “repair” the relationships?
- Romantic relationships: How did your romantic partners treat you? What did your partner expect in a relationship? How did you handle things when the relationship ended? What happened when you set boundaries? Were your words respected or were they questioned?
Managing the fear of abandonment:
If you’ve ever struggled with the above scenarios, chances are that your system learned to protect itself with some careful strategies. There are two common protective patterns that show up to manage this fear of abandonment. The first strategy is to work incredibly hard to meet the expectations of others. These folks tend to:
- Predict what will make others happy
- Be hyper-alert about verbal and non-verbal cues (tone of voice, facial expressions, comments, etc)
- Feel triggered by negative feedback because they fear it means others no longer like you.
- Focus on people-pleasing tendencies to maintain peace
- Say “yes” often (despite it feeling uncomfortable with their boundaries)
The second protective pattern that arises is the urge to stop trying all together. After all, if something scares you, why put yourself in that situation? These folks often appear dismissive. They may spend a lot of time alone. They prefer not to rely on others, or avoid getting close to someone. They fear that these actions will put them in a vulnerable place where they get attached to another person, and this person could have the power to hurt them.
What do I do?
Working hard to meet others’ expectations is a form of coping. You don’t have to face the fear of abandonment so long as you follow these expectations. Staying isolated or avoiding any close relationship is a form of coping. You will not deal with rejection so long as you never get to a place of vulnerability.
At the end of the day, coping strategies are meant for short-term relief. They address the anxiety in that moment, but they do actually fix the core issue. Unfortunately, the fear is still there. So what else can you do? The following options can lead you to more long-lasting relief:
1. Seeking therapy to address the underlying wound.
If you have survived hardships like the loss of a parent, bullying, or abusive relationships, these are not small issues. Your system has experienced rejection and loneliness. It learned to cope in the safest way it knew at the time. Trauma approaches like EMDR and Internal Family Systems Therapy are wonderful strategies to help address the root causes for the fear of abandonment. Your system can feel less fearful once these underlying wounds have been healed.
2. Assess if your relationships are healthy.
This is obviously easier said than done. There is a lot of grief and stress in acknowledging unhealthy relationships. However, I want you to consider what may happen if you did not comply with someone else’s expectations. Will they abandon you? Is their love truly unconditional? Sometimes we need to break away from our unhealthy attachments to make space for new healthy relationships.
3. Is there truth to your fears?
Sometimes are our thoughts are just thoughts. They don’t have a lot of evidence behind them, but the fear alone drives us to stay complacent. If it is safe, talk to the other person and ask how they’re feeling. Clarify what you’re seeing or hearing, and ask about the other’s intentions. You may perceive a look or comment to mean abandonment, whereas the other person has zero intention of ending the relationship.
4. Take small steps to trust.
For those who are fearful of committing to a relationship, consider what feels like a safe starting place. You may not be ready to let your colleagues know about your deepest secrets, but you may feel more comfortable sharing how your weekend went, or discussing a difficult work project. In this situation, exposure therapy may be helpful in creating a shift.
5. Slow down
In similarity with exposure therapy, I encourage you to take a step back from the “do more, be more” approach. What happens when you don’t work so hard? What happens when you make small mistakes? I know this option isn’t easy, and I suggest you take the smallest step manageable in creating this change. It’s important for your system to be cautious and monitor how change is perceived. You may surprise yourself in seeing that a) others do not leave when you show your human side, or b) you start to step away from these difficult relationships.
Learn More
If you’d like to learn more about your own system, or you’d like to address fears of abandonment, reach out.
How to help someone who is grieving
What has been your experience with grief? Have you gone through the process yourself? Do you feel overwhelmed when others experience loss? Working in the perinatal field, I am surrounded by parents who have survived loss. These experiences vary vastly from the endless cycles of hope and loss during IVF treatment, to processing a miscarriage, or coming to terms with the dissolution of marriages. Grief can be isolating, and I hear repeatedly how much these parents yearn for understanding from their friends and family members. This post is for those who would like to help a grieving friend or loved one. I hope the following strategies will give you an idea of what you can do in these times of need.
8 Things to Consider when Supporting a Grieving Loved one:
1) Know that your job is to listen
Listen to what your friend is sharing and how he or she is feeling. Focus on maintaining a safe and nonjudgmental space for him or her to experience emotions openly. Respect boundaries if this individual is not ready to talk.
Supporting a grieving individual involves being genuinely present. This involves actively listening, reflecting back, asking questions, showing interest, validation, and providing compassion. There is no need to fix things or make it better because this is not possible. We often worry about being effective support persons, but I encourage you to consider what “effective” truly means in this context. You are not able to bring back the person or experience that has been lost. The best way to support is to be available and present if or when the grieving party is ready to talk or have company.
2) Show that you care
There are lots of ways to show you care from visiting, calling, dropping off food, offering practical help, or giving a hug. If you’re not sure that you’re properly supporting the other person, just ask. We sometimes worry about being a nuisance. Trust that the other person will tell you if they do not want this type of support.
Sometimes our own uncertainties get in the way. We question how often we should stop by, or whether we’re making much of a difference. In these scenarios, listen to your own capacity. Burning yourself out in the process of helping someone’s grief will not work well for anyone at the end of the day. Offer as much as you can comfortably manage.
Again, remember that the goal does not involve the other person necessarily “feeling better”. Sometimes we look for reinforcement that we are doing the right thing because the other person responds back, smiles, offers reassurance, and so forth. Depending on the intensity and recency of the grief, your loved one may not be able to offer this feedback.
3) Stop giving advice
A lot of bereaved individuals are provided support through advice giving. They hear endless phrases like:
- “You should talk about it more“
- “It’s important to let it go“
- “Make sure to take some time to do the things you enjoy“
- “You can always try again“
- “Count your blessings“
- “Think of your other children“
These phrases are not meant to be malicious and the speaker has good intentions. However, it’s important to recognize that in these remarks are subtle messages informing the bereaved that they are grieving incorrectly. They are being told to feel or act differently from how they are currently experiencing their loss. Recognize that your role in this scenario is not be an advice giver, but to be a friend. Let the person feel how they feel, and trust that this is their way of processing.
4) There is no set time for when a person is done grieving
Some people come to terms with loss within a few months, whereas for others, it will take years. There’s really no set timing when it comes to grief. As far as the support role, the difficulty comes with being patient when the other person’s grief continues despite a lengthy time. I get that you want the other person to feel better, but be cautious of how this comes across. So long as the person is safe and not a danger to themselves (e.g. suicidal intent), step back. As worried as you may be that they are stuck, continue to let them know you are available, and let go of the pressure for them to “move forward” until they are ready.
5) Pay attention to your own discomforts
The pressure we feel to make the other person feel better comes from our own agendas. It comes from our own discomfort in seeing a loved one in pain. Of course, you want the other person to feel better. This is your spouse, your sibling, a dear friend, and you would never wish this type of sadness on them. However, it’s important that, in the grief process, the focus is not about you, but about the other person. We can easily shift into noticing our own systems feeling uncomfortable with intense emotions and wanting to help the other person shut down these feelings. This can be incredibly invalidating, and reinforces a sense of isolation for the grieving individual.
It is helpful to reflect on your own experiences with grief and intense emotions. How have you been supported during times of distress? Were you forced to manage on your own? Did your family members display big emotions? Were feelings welcome, or were you taught to bury your emotions? Did you witness your parents experience big emotions and start to fear them?
Understandably, we can have avoidant parts of our system that shy away from intense emotions based on childhood experiences. We want our caregivers to show us that the world is safe and that they can keep us protected. We need our caregivers to provide a safe environment for us to feel and process our emotions. When parents continue to present in dysregulated manners (e.g. intense grief, shaming us for experiencing distress), children have a hard time coming to terms with these emotions. They may learn to fear strong feelings as unbearable or a problem that must be resolved.
6) Try not to personalize.
If a loved one is grieving, chances are their emotional capacity can feel incredibly restricted. They may not have the space or awareness to consider how their remarks or feedback is landing on others, and you may bear witness to significant mood swings. It is normal to have ups and downs during grief. As a support person, this does not mean you tolerate becoming the emotional punching bag. You are always encouraged to set boundaries if someone is treating you poorly. However, in situations where the other person turns down spending time together, presents as moodier, is not emotionally available, or appears uninterested in your updates, try not to personalize. They are not doing this to be intentionally unkind, but are caught in their own feelings of loss.
7) Don’t be afraid to bring up the loss.
Grief can be a taboo topic, and we are cautious about triggering the other person by avoiding bringing up the circumstances. Simply avoiding the topic does not mean the other person is not thinking about their loss. They are well aware of what’s changed in their life, and need the opportunity to talk about it. Rather than avoid, acknowledge the grief. Comment on milestones, anniversaries, birthdays, and other important dates. As time goes on, your loved one will appreciate that you are not forgetting their loss, and use the opportunity to talk, if it’s needed.
8) Be genuine.
If you truly understand the other person’s pain and have been through a similar experience, let them know. Otherwise, avoid saying phrases like “I understand” or “I know how you feel.” While these types of phrases are meant to offer comfort, they can unfortunately feel really invalidating. Pay attention to whether you use platitudes. While you may find comfort in trying to find the silver lining, the other person may not be ready or wanting to these hear these comments. Again, try not to personalize this, but work with the reality that this is not the way that this person processes grief.
Reach out
Whether you feel overwhelmed by witnessing grief, or if you feel your loved one can benefit from additional support, therapy can provide a safe space to process these emotions. It helps to have a neutral party to discuss intense feelings without fear of repercussion, needing to stay strong, or concern about overwhelming others. It takes a lot of courage to seek out for help; reach out when it feels right for you.
Take care,
Kasi
Support for the avoidant parent
Sure, you and your partner have talked about having a child. In theory, it seemed fine. But now that your baby has arrived, it feels harder than you ever expected. It is exhausting trying to connect with this unresponsive baby. It feels like everytime you pick up your child, he or she knows to scream at the highest decibel. And while you’re feeling stuck, your partner has somehow become the baby whisperer, whipping out breasts, bottles, and toys and magically making this tiny human succumb into a peaceful and serene state. This post is for parents who are feeling avoidant and helpless. It is for the fathers and mothers who are painfully aware of feeling incompetent, and continue to think “I’m not good at this”. I want you to know, it can get better. I hope the following points leave you comforted and empowered.
Stop comparing yourself with your partner
I hear a lot of fathers commenting that their partners can do it better. They see their partner staying patient and rocking the baby, doing midnight feeds, and changing multiple diapers. They see how the baby settles shortly after these interactions. While it’s wonderful to see your partner becoming a successful parent, it can bring up a lot of our own insecurities. It’s really hard not to compare. When your partner picks up the baby, the baby calms down. When you pick up the baby, your adorable little human screams bloody murder. It makes a lot of sense that you feel avoidant.
If you have always found security and confidence by doing things well, parenting can bring you outside your safe zone. Rather than work with this struggle, it’s easier to encourage your partner to take the lead since he or she is doing it better. I imagine you already know the consequences to this decision. Sure, the baby is calmer, but your partner is fried. Their arms are aching from constantly holding the baby. They haven’t slept or showered properly in days. And, chances are high, that they are frustrated with you for not taking a more active role. Meanwhile, your own insecurities of being a competent parent continues to worsen.
Parenting is not always about doing things right. It involves time, patience, and some trial and error to figure out how to best help your little person. Chances are that you have a screaming infant on your hands for the first little while. Please know that this is normal. Your partner has also gone through this trial and error period of being hollered at, and it does get better. If you hand over the baby, your confidence does not improve. It only reinforces to you that your partner is capable and you are not.
Forget perfection
There is a steep and fast learning curve with parenting. We make mistakes, work through the stress, and try again. We don’t have the option of quitting, and so we keep going back and figuring things out. The stress of doing things perfectly can make us avoidant in getting started. Rather than perfection, please accept that you will screw this up. Accept that you are going to make mistakes, and this will lead to tears (some of it will be yours and some will be from the baby). This is perfectly normal even though it sucks.
While there are umpteen books and blogs out there about parenting strategies, no one has published a book for your child. Take what you know and try it out. Watch your baby’s cues to see if he or she responds well, or freaks out. It tooks me months of rocking my child to sleep and feeling frustrated before I realized this strategy wasn’t working. We’ve all gone through the nightmare of bathtime and the stress of barely keeping the baby above water. Some of us keep losing the soother- the only thing in the whole world that will make your child stop wailing. It happens. We all make mistakes, and it makes us human.
We don’t know what will work until we take the time to try it, evaluate its efficacy, and continue or introduce a new habit. This is a normal part of learning new skills. We all start with a keen awareness of our incompetence. We practice and fine tune our skills, and eventually get to a place of being unconsciously competent. Wanting to be a perfect parent right from the start prolongs this very normal learning experience.
Making mistakes is not the issue. Usually that error in judgment lasts a mere seconds before it’s done. However, our mind can keep us fixated on this mistake, and we get easily sucked into a world of shame, embarrassment or guilt. That small moment plagues us for days. Gently remind your system that you are human and you are learning. Mistakes are inevitable, and you did not do it maliciously or intentionally. You can and will learn from these errors.
Assess if you have postpartum anxiety or depression
While we often think of postpartum mental health as a mom’s issue, this is just not true. 1 in 10 dads have postpartum depression, although only 3% of dads actually seek treatment. 1 in 7 mothers have postpartum depression. Unfortunately, there is limited research available about sexual minority couples, and the published statistics vary widely. That being said, postpartum mental health does not discriminate based on sex, culture, socioeconomic status, education, or age. It can happen to anyone.
When it comes to depression, symptoms can include lack of energy, disinterest, poor sleep or eating habits, or limited social interaction. Postpartum mental health shows up differently. We want to pay attention to signs like irritability, anger, excessive worries, avoidant behaviours, and poor concentration. Because these are painful struggles, many people try to cope by drinking, avoiding parenting, or getting into arguments. Unfortunately, our friends notice that we are drinking a lot and disengaged with the baby, but they don’t recognize that we are struggling with postpartum depression.
When it comes to mental health or any diagnosis, we need a treatment plan. This can include: help with emotional processing, behavioural changes, professional interventions, medication, or increased social support. Mental health does not go away with sheer will power. It is legitimate and painful, and requires proper attention. The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale is a helpful assessment that can confirm if you are struggling with postpartum mental health. I would encourage anyone who is questioning their postpartum experience to take this self-assessment.
Exposure therapy can help
If you are struggling with your mental health, you do not have the effort or patience to invest into a new relationship. Depression will make you feel irritable and unmotivated, and anxiety will cause you to worry or panic. Your system just wants to shut down. When we shut down from our relationships and our environment, we address the problem briefly. We find temporary relief because we don’t have to spend time with the newborn. This relief is short-lived because, let’s face it, that baby is not going anywhere. Unfortunately, we fall into this repetitive pattern of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions, and avoiding the stress. This works temporarily until we face yet another scenario where we feel overwhelmed.
I encourage you to take small steps to help your system see that you can become a strong parent. Exposure therapy involves creating a consistent and gradual plan to do things that you are fearful or avoidant of in order to build your confidence and reduce your fears. We want to first create a list of tasks that provoke anxiety and avoidant behaviours. Then we start with fears that are unpleasant, but manageable, and practice this repeatedly. It is only when the distress goes down and the confidence increases, that we move on to a more challenging task. Everyone’s exposure plan will differ based on his or her comfort zone and anxiety level. The following post explains exposure therapy in more detail, and I encourage you to reach out if you’d like to fine tune or problem solve your specific circumstance.
Finding the balance between Me and We
Parenting can be a serious buzz kill for our social lives. Chances are that your kid is passing out by 7 PM, which means you’re likely starting a bedtime routine by 6:30 PM. It’s hard to nurture our hobbies, interests, or social lives if you need to be home by that early hour. Parenting can also influence our career path. Signing up for that new project or taking a promotion are incredible opportunities that you’ve worked so hard to accomplish. That being said, these activities mean more hours away from home.
There is not a simple answer that will help you find balance between your interests and ambitions with your new parenting role. However, I’d recommend first sitting down with your partner and working on a plan. Parenting should not be an all-or-nothing experience. You should not give up all your interests, friendships, or goals. However, being a parent does involve some compromise. You may not be able to take on every project at work. Or, if you do, you will face the wrath and frustration of your kids and partner. It’s hard to win at everything, and we need to let go of the expectation to achieve it all. Instead, pay attention to your priorities. Some activities will feel easy to drop, whereas others may cause a lot of resentment. Fight for the priorities that matter.
While routines and schedules are not sexy, they do ensure you have time for yourself. It’s helpful to speak with your partner to ensure you both have time to do your own things. This might involve you taking on morning chores in order for your partner to go to the gym. As a result, he or she is more flexible about you playing hockey and hang out with your friends during the evenings. The predictability in knowing Mondays nights are yours to do as you please will help settle your anxiety.
There will come a time when your child is old enough to be more self-reliant. He or she will not need you to play such a supervisory role. When this happens, sign up for more things. Until then, work with your spouse in understanding what priorities you would like to invest in during the next few months. Talk about this plan regularly so that there are no surprises and there is room to make changes.
The pressure to do it all
As the sole parent attending work, you may feel a huge financial responsibility on your shoulders. You may also come home to a very drained spouse, and your guilt prevents you from taking time for your own self-care. Perhaps the added stress of taking care of another person can feel overwhelming.
If you are feeling these types of pressure, pay attention to how you respond. Some parents will work more hours in hopes that they can manage this new financial burden. Some will feel resentful towards their baby or family because these changes feel so hard. Others will become avoidant, and spend all of their time outside of the home. All of these reactions are understandable given how much this postpartum year has left you unsettled.
If possible, take a moment to slow it down and reflect. What is it about this responsibility that is worrying you the most? What makes you doubt your capacity to manage these new tasks? Is your system aware that the financial strain will improve once your partner re-enters the work force? Would it be helpful to look at your budget and make changes so that you don’t spend all day working ? Are you feeling guilty because you are struggling to “fix” your partner’s exhaustion? Does your partner want you to take on this role? By understanding the root cause of our pressure, we are able to make wiser choices. We don’t have to react in impulsive or avoidant ways, and can instead focus on problem solving, communicating, or setting realistic expectations.
Talk about it
There are many supports and resources for new mothers, and I recognize that the same level of support is not readily available for dads and partners. A highly effective intervention for postpartum mental health is an increase to our support network. There is significant healing that happens when you are supported by others who truly understand and appreciate the hardships of the postpartum year. This can involve leaning on your parents, friends with older children, neighbours with newborns, or a local support group. It’s helpful to speak up, and receive support and compassion from the other end. It helps to talk with others who can share advice or normalize your experiences.
Reach out
There are many ways you can build a bond with your baby. While you can remain avoidant, this behaviour tends to bring a lot of consequences. If you or your partner is struggling with this new role of parenthood, reach out. You do not have to struggle in isolation.
Best wishes,
Kasi
Will I have postpartum depression again?
For anyone who has survived postpartum depression, you know how painful and unsettling life felt after your baby arrived. During that first year, you are overwhelmed with feelings of irritability, helplessness, anger, rage, sadness, and anxiety (just to name a few). The fear of ever facing this experience again causes many parents to hesitate about having another child. There is nothing that they want to avoid more than those intrusive thoughts, hours of sobbing, or crippling anxiety. I hope this post will offer you some support and guidance in considering your next steps.
You have the right to say no
Pressures for nuclear families are constantly pushed at parents. I hear many well-intentioned family members asking when moms will be pregnant again, and expressing concerns that their children will be lonely if they do not have siblings. Firstly, let’s all agree that these folks need to chill out. No one should tell you what your family should look like. There are many, many single-child families who have wonderful, happy lives. If you have decided that one is enough, please rest assured that you are making the right decision. After all, it is your body, your lifestyle, your family, your income, and all of your resources. While loved ones may comment, at the end of the day, you have to take care of this little person. You are absolutely entitled to decide that you don’t want this option.
Many factors will influence your mental health
There are a lot of vulnerabilities that influence mental health. When it comes to postpartum depression, the list can include: poor sleep, stress, hormonal changes, physical wellness, relationship struggles, financial worries, history of mental health, multiple children, and complicated pregnancies/deliveries. This is not an all-encompassing list; however, it does address some important influencers during the perinatal period.
History of mental health struggles (including postpartum depression with your first child) is only one contributing factor. Postpartum depression symptoms typically decrease between one postpartum period to the next, showing that we have the capacity for healing. Research has found that there is high variability of whether parents’ symptoms of postpartum depression increase or decrease in future deliveries.
What does this all mean for you? Just because you had postpartum once does not guarantee you will have it again. If you had experienced significant distress in your first experience, err on the side of caution and seek support as soon you are pregnant. Postpartum depression is treatable. Your recovery experience improves when you do not prolong suffering.
You know more today than you did during your first pregnancy
Many first time parents feel nervous and uncertain about taking care of their babies. I mean, why wouldn’t we? If we are not surrounded by babies all the time, or if it’s not within our line of work, it makes sense that we are not experts on this topic. Since there are many unknowns during the first year with our child, we can feel inundated with worries about the baby’s well-being and our own capacity to parent.
As cliché as this may sound, practice makes perfect. Consider how vulnerable you felt when you first took your little one home versus how you felt six months or even 2 years in to parenting. You’ve gone from feeling incompetent to suddenly having a knack for diaper changes, effortless feedings, and confidence in bedtime routines. That level of skill and knowledge took you weeks of trials and errors before you could confidently move forward. This is the beauty of having a second child. That level of uncertainty and worry still exists; however, it is significantly more muted than the first time experience. You are much faster at handling all of those questions from your first time simply because you have the experience in your tool belt.
Understand your vulnerabilities
As painful as it may seem, I encourage you to sit down and reflect on your first-time experiences of pregnancy and postpartum months. What was hardest for you? When did you struggle the most? Did you have support available, and was your support team actually helpful? Were you able to rely on your partner? What kept you down on your hardest days? When did circumstances improve? Did you use medication, or were you able to manage without? What resources did you bring in the last time?
Knowing what was hard the first time can give us a working plan of how to handle the situation differently this time around. Some moms are so clear that they do not want to have another child while COVID-19 is still a concern. Other moms are aware that sleep training is what they needed in order to feel more stable. Many moms know that attending counselling and couples counselling helped them work through anxieties as they surfaced. It sucks to have to learn from our hardships. Knowing what did and did not work can help you decide what to do differently this time around. When you have the awareness, you have a lot more control and influence over the situation.
Find a community
The stats are very clear. About one in seven mothers and one in ten fathers experience postpartum depression. Yet, we live in a world where we suffer silently. Joining a support group, or connecting with other safe parents is one of the best things that you can do for your system. Let go of the pinterest-moms in your world. Don’t try and find validation from your next door neighbour who always looks well-presented and has the most well-tempered baby. These people will (hopefully, unintentionally) make you feel lousy. FInd parents who help you feel less alone. Your worries are similar to the stressors that others have also experienced. Find those who have survived postpartum mental health, and hear about their experiences. Learn what worked for them to not only have this level of encouragement, but to also find strategies that you want to employ.
If you experienced postpartum depression with your first child, it’s highly likely that you felt overwhelmed or frustrated with parenting. The circumstances are much more complicated if you are a single parent, or if your partner works long hours. While this is no one’s fault, feeling isolated in your parenting is an important factor to keep in mind. Gather your support team and come up with a plan that will support your needs. This may involve asking your mother to stay with you for the first week, or asking a friend to check in daily. You might contact resources like a lactation consultant, a postpartum doula, or a sleep-training specialist earlier into your postpartum experience. Your support team can be informal like friends or family, or professionals. Irrespective, these folks are helping you to fill in the gaps. There is a reason for the saying “it takes a village to raise a child.” No one should be expected to do it all alone.
Move your body
When we struggle with depression, our body wants to shut down, isolate, hide, or retreat. This makes a lot of sense when the world feels too much. Of course, you want to escape and disengage. It’s far safer in your home than to socialize, take the baby out, or pretend that everything is normal. When we stay hidden away, we can get caught in this safety net for a long time. Sure the world may feel safer when you’ve stayed away, but it’s also felt bleak and painful everyday that you’ve been hidden. If you are ambivalent to have another child because of this shut down experience, there are strategies that can help. There are many coping strategies that can be employed to use address anxiety and depression. The key is to find the right set of skills that fit for you.
One effective distress tolerance skill is to increase our activity level. I get that exercise is not everyone’s cup of tea, but I want to emphasize how quickly it can help you in getting out of a funk. When it comes to a crisis situation, getting even 2-5 minutes of intense exercise will force your physiology to change. Your shut down system is forced to be more alert with this sudden intensity. After this burst of working out, we have about 15-20 minutes of reprieve. We feel more regulated and think more clearly. This gives you a chance to look at your current setup and schedule. You may find you have more capacity to get out of your room, go for a walk, or call a friend. Things that felt unmanageable, suddenly feel more accessible.
Seek treatment
Postpartum mental health is not based on will power. Crying everyday, or stressing about spending time alone with the baby is not a normal part of parenthood. If this is your experience, I want you to know that it does not have to be like this. Postpartum myths can prevent us from seeking out help, and I can appreciate that these are genuine barriers. Whether it’s due to internal shame, external pressures, cultural expectations of motherhood, or any other factors, it can be hard to shift away from this perspective. However, the best part of working in perinatal mental health is that I know it gets better. I see mothers improving within a year or two of delivery. This may involve regular therapy, a community of support, various coping strategies, use of medication, or a combination of interventions. With support, postpartum mental health can improve.
Postpartum depression does not have to define your experience
If you are feeling scared of having postpartum depression again, please reach out. Just because you struggled with your mental health the first time does not mean it will happen again, or that it has to get as bad. There are numerous preventative and reactive interventions that we can incorporate to help you feel more resilient. Reach out when you feel ready.
Take care,
Kasi
“They’d be better off without me”: Suicide and Postpartum Mental Health
“They’d be better off without me.”
“I can’t do this. What am I doing here?”
“How am I supposed to do this everyday for the rest of my life?”
I hear sentences like these frequently in my work with postpartum parents. It is heartbreaking and I know that when someone gets to this place of rock bottom they are feeling helpless and overwhelmed. I’d love for the postpartum months to be an amazing time for parents, but oftentimes it’s not easy. Sure, the baby is cute. But the baby also keeps crying, won’t latch on properly and refuses to take a nap. It’s easy to get caught in a negative spiral of fatigue and insecurities. When this phase goes on long enough, many parents start to have passive or active thoughts of suicide.
Suicide is a taboo topic, and it’s hard to talk about having these thoughts openly. Unfortunately, keeping our feelings buried tends to backlash for the majority of us. Postpartum depression does not necessarily mean you will have suicidal thoughts. However, when we are vulnerable, it’s not uncommon for our thoughts to shift into this space. Whether we are struggling with our baby, handling new stressors as a result of the baby (e.g. financial burdens, isolation), or addressing our already existing mental health diagnoses in combination with a baby, we want an escape. Suicide provides us one of the fastest option for escape. My hope today is to help you recognize that there are safe ways to support you. We can talk openly about suicide and get you to a place of feeling more at peace so that you no longer feel the desperate need to escape.
Step One: Name it
Mental health sucks. In our culture of independent, pinterest-loving super moms, it’s so hard to say that we’re struggling. The statistics for postpartum depression is 1 in 7 moms and 1 in 10 dads; these parents are not all seeking out help.
I appreciate the strong desire to be independent and feel competent. I have parts of me that also feel adamant to manage on my own. We can play this game for a long time and test our limit of how much we can handle. However, there comes a point when we recognize that even our best efforts are not actually effective. Despite going for a walk, eating well, or calling a friend, at the end of the day, you still feel bleak and beyond help.
The first step in getting better involves accepting that you’re struggling with postpartum mental health. This is not your fault. When it comes to postpartum moods, there are so many lifestyle changes and hormonal changes that are beyond your control. This is not just a matter of will power. If you truly could manage to get through these months with determination and grit, I promise, you would have done it. However, if you realize that something is still feeling off, name this. Acknowledge that there is a part of you that is really having a hard time and is feeling helpless. This part deserves the space to talk, process, and recover.
Step Two: Reduce isolation
There is a reason that we have the saying, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Childrearing should be done with support, and in our culture, we don’t often have the network nearby. In line with our independent values, we are not always comfortable reaching out to these village members.
In encouraging a stronger support network, I ask that you reach out to any means of support that you feel is genuinely helpful and compassionate. This may include contacting family members, friends, neighbours, support groups, mental health counsellors, health care professionals, really, anyone who you feel safe around. If our loved ones are unaware of how much we are struggling, they may not recognize the need to offer help.
I know that some of us do not have the best support team. Sometimes our family members cause more harm than good. Their offering of help may come with judgments, criticism, or other consequences that make you feel worse than when you started off. Sometimes our family members become overwhelmed when we share our mental health struggles. Ironically, you may end up spending more time consoling them that your own needs are not addressed. In these situations, I encourage you to reach out to a local therapist (if financially feasible), or to find a non-profit counselling agency. Connecting with postpartum programs (e.g. Pregnancy and Postpartum Mood Disorders Program, Stork Secrets, Postpartum Support International) can help you find safe others that truly understand and are capable of helping with thoughts of suicide.
Your internal system
In Internal Family Systems Therapy, we recognize that our internal system is divided into parts. There are parts of us that are carrying wounds from the past (e.g. abandonment, betrayal, shame). These parts of our personality are often pushed away because they are too painful to acknowledge. In pushing away, we form protective layers. There are managerial parts of our system that work to prevent these wounds from getting triggered. These manager parts can appear as perfectionists, hard-working, critical, or conflict-avoidant. Their roles in our system is to run our day-to-day functioning without having our deepest burdens and wounds show up.
As I said before, when we push our feelings away, they tend to backlash. At some point, we get triggered. At these moments, we have reactive parts of our system that take over. They work to get rid of these vulnerable feelings as quickly as possible (e.g. drinking, anger, suicide). Ironically, whether our parts are playing a reactive or preventative role, there is a protective intent to help you from being overwhelmed by your wounds.
Step 3: Meet the key players of your internal system
In therapy, I work with clients to get to know all of the parts involved in pushing you towards or protecting you from suicide. We work on skills to separate from these intense emotions so we can observe them, hear them out, understand their fears and concerns, and have a better relationship with them. Can you imagine how you would feel if, when sadness took over, you could actually have the capacity to listen to it calmly without becoming overwhelmed? That is the beauty of IFS. When we can step back and listen to our system, we can begin to hear the fears, concerns and protective intent of even our harshest emotions. We are able to access those underlying wounds and support their recovery so that the rest of your system does not have to work so hard at preventing or reacting to triggers.
I understand this may sound unbelievable to many people. After all, you may have experienced suicidal thoughts for months and come to terms that you are “just an anxious mess” or “a pathetic parent.” Therapy can help shift this outlook. You are more than your anxieties, depression or other extreme parts.
Step Four: Address your coping mechanisms
In therapy, we take a close look at the patterns that your parts take on when they are active. We pay attention to what triggers your extreme emotions. We look at all of the coping mechanisms that are used to manage these extreme emotions.
For many postpartum parents, their biggest fear is feeling incapable of taking care of their baby. When this fear gets triggered, these parents respond in anyway or form to self-soothe. Some of parents turn to drinking to help these thoughts calm down. Others look to their partners, parents or loved ones to take over, and avoid any time alone with their infant. Some parents get caught in a spiral of self-hatred, focusing on criticising themselves for being incapable. In therapy, we look at all of these coping mechanisms without judgement. These are the strategies that have kept you going all of these months, and we want to work with each piece respectfully, and discuss opportunities for change.
Change comes in many different ways. Each parent is unique and I don’t want to give generic advice when your needs may be significantly different from the next person. What’s important in understanding our system is that we learn to slow down to get to know these key parts better. We want to build trust that these coping mechanisms no longer have to be employed to keep us safe. We want to have permission to address those underlying wounds so that you have permanent healing.
Suicide is a quick fix for a problem with many alternative solutions
When it comes to postpartum care, I get that suicide is a fast response. We are struggling and we want the struggle to be over. Ending our life would be the fastest option out. While this may be true, this is a decision you can never take back. Before any part of you makes that ultimate choice, it’s important to ensure all of your alternative options are tested. The struggle in this request is that we may need some time to try out these other options. Your suicidal part is taking a risk in working with me. Rather than having a quick fix, I’m asking that we make some permanent shifts so that life does not feel so miserable.
If you would like to talk further, please feel free to reach out.
Take care,
Kasi
A Note for all “Mothers”
On Mother’s Day, we are bombarded with social media posts doting on all the maternal figures in our lives. While there is no denying that there are some fantastic mothers out there, not all of us feel lucky to have this type of positive influence. Many mothers do not feel confident enough to call themselves fantastic parents. Working in the perinatal field, I am surrounded by mothers who struggle with this internal assessment of whether they are good enough parents to their children. On this Mother’s Day, I wanted to gather a few quotes that I hope will offer some comfort and guidance as you move through your own journey of understanding or experiencing motherhood.
I love this quote for recognizing that, as parents, we are working with a blank slate. Our interactions, guidance, compassion, and boundaries are all critical in teaching our children how to navigate in the world. In many ways, we will do an excellent job in offering the secure attachment to let them explore and gain independence. However, some of our own anxieties can come forward to affect the ways in which we influence our children. This does not have to be a deal breaker. Relationships grow. They can strengthen and weaken. Making a mistake or being imperfect is not a life sentence for your children or your relationship with them.
We all carry wounded parts within our system. These wounds stem from trauma, heartbreak, grief, or other hardships we have endured in our lifetime. Sometimes, however, our wounds are not our burdens but those of our parents and the generations before them.
Your mother will pass many adaptive and effective qualities on to you. Other times, she will pass on teachings from her own hardships. Experiences like war, poverty, and racial injustice have taught the generations before us how to survive. Your mother’s emotional system had to change in order to adapt to these events. Accordingly, she may be anxious around police officers, she may push for frugality over spending, and she may express bitterness or anger towards a certain group of people. These behaviours are learned survival tactics. She needed them to manage in her world. It’s easy to pass on these tactics to you. These adaptive needs suddenly become part of your story, and you learn to navigate in the world using these behaviours, even though they may, or may not, be as relevant today.
I loathe when social media bombards us with pictures of idealistic parenting. I’m referring to those images of a parent serenely staring at her child (who is dressed to the nines and displaying perfect manners). Let’s face it: that is not reality. My child has meltdowns, just like yours. There are times when I have to coach myself before going to a grocery store or completing errands because I know my patience will tested. Being a mother can be very fulfilling. It’s full of love, laughter, elation, warmth and so many other beautiful feelings. Just as equally, motherhood knows exactly how to push your buttons. Your child is incredibly brilliant in knowing what will make you explode. And it is absolutely normal for you to want to some compassion and understanding (as well as a break!) during these moments.
Following a birth trauma, we can get stuck in the narrative of how we conceived, carried, or delivered our child. This unsettling onset of motherhood can hold us in a state of frustration, guilt or even anger. Our traumas keep us caught in the past, and prevent us from fully enjoying the present moment with our newborn. Moreover, our trauma can keep us stuck in grief when we did not have the chance to welcome our baby into our lives.
For any parent who has experienced a birth trauma, I want to emphasize that healing is possible. Working through traumatic events can take time and support. Every mother goes through processing and acceptance at a different pace. However, PTSD does not nullify the fact that your life has changed. No matter how your birth experience turned out, your world has suddenly shifted. You may have brought home a new addition to your family. Your family may have lost the possibility of including a new member. No matter what has happened, your world looks different today than it did yesterday.
I love comparing these two quotes. Our kids can ground us and guide our lives. It’s easy to get sucked into their world doing after school activities, focusing on their development, and helping nurture their interests. However, as parents, our ultimate goal in child rearing is that our kids become independent people who no longer rely on us in this same way. In preparation for this eventual transition, I like to remind all mothers to not lose themselves completely in the process of parenting.
When we’ve done parenting right, our kids will leave us to live their own lives. It’s a big shift to suddenly focus on ourselves instead of them. To prepare for this change, nurture parts of yourself throughout their entire development. This may involve taking an hour to yourself at the end of the day, or going on mini-vacations on your own. It may mean developing your career alongside your childrearing. You were your own person before becoming a parent, and it’s important to not forget this pivotal detail.
These are messages that I love to remind my perfectionist side. While my education has taught me how to provide therapy and support the emotional side of life, I am not an expert in all things related to motherhood. I recall panicking the first time my child had a fever. I remember feeling overwhelmed when I had to help my little one learn to sleep independently. There are countless memories of us trying to rush out the door on time for work, and of me losing patience.
While we want to be experts at everything, it’s next to impossible to achieve this goal. Your child did not come with a manual, and they will constantly throw new issues at you to figure out. Give yourself the time and patience to screw up and learn from these mistakes. You will not always be calm, you will not always know the right answer, and you will not always look like you have it together. That’s okay. We learn from all these experiences. Surround yourself with others who are also learning and can resonate with this need for patience and forgiveness. This is your support system that will get you through those hard moments. Mothers come in all different shape, sizes, capacities, histories, strengths and weaknesses. There is no formula that will be make us perfect parents, but we can do well in this job.
I had to include this quote only because Matilda was one of my favourite books as a kid. But in many ways, Roald Dahl is right. Our kids can be ridiculous. They can be the obnoxious and make terrible fart jokes. They can be surly and give us the sassiest comments that make us want to scream. However, by the end of the day, we (usually) have our rosy-colored glasses back on and finding them to be magnificent, charming creatures.
To my fellow mothers, mothers-to-be, women who wish to be mothers, and maternal figures, I hope you all recognize your strength and patience in this process. Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a special day if you don’t wish to celebrate it. Mother’s Day should not be only one day of the year that you are appreciated. I hope these quotes and messages offer you comfort and get you through this day. If you need support, please reach out.
Warmly,
Kasi
Postpartum Rage: I am going to lose it!
I feel like society normalizes feeling overwhelmed, insecure, and stressed as a new parent. While our society is more compassionate towards these vulnerabilities, there is much less acceptance when it comes to our anger. Postpartum rage is a common occurrence during the first year with a baby. It can show up as a symptom of postpartum depression, but it can also show up on its own. Unfortunately, since there is so much stigma about anger (especially anger towards an infant), parents hesitate to reach out for help. For this post, I’d like to open the conversation about postpartum rage. I’d like to normalize this anger, explain the ways it can show up, and strategies we can use to feel better.
What is postpartum rage?
Postpartum rage are short or lengthy bursts of overwhelming anger. Parents feels completely out of control, and struggles to get their temper under wraps. Everyone expresses anger differently; however, common signs of postpartum rage include:
- screaming/swearing
- physical expressions of anger (e.g. throwing items)
- violent thoughts
- inability to stop thinking about the upsetting situation
- difficulty getting their emotions back to state of calm/neutrality
There is no one issue that triggers postpartum rage. Sometimes it’s the baby waking up at the middle of the night for the third time, other times it’s your partner forgetting to do the dishes. This can make it really hard for parents to predict when they will become upset. Or worse, they feel a lot of shame that a simple event, like forgetting to do the dishes, caused them so much distress.
When postpartum rage comes out, it’s extremely difficult to manage. For many parents struggling with this issue, they face a backlash of overwhelming emotions once the rage has subsided. This often includes guilt, self-hatred, shame, helplessness, or hopelessness. These reactionary thoughts and emotions can keep us spiraling in a low place well after the anger has passed.
Emotions last in our body for 90 seconds. After that, the physical sensation dissipates, UNLESS our cognitive brain kicks in and starts connecting our anger with past events.
Jill Bolte Taylor
(Neuroanatomist, author, and public speaker)
Anger as a secondary emotions
Working from an Internal Family Systems‘ perspective, I know that anger comes from a protective intent. It is often an impulsive act or last-case resort in responding to another issue. For many parents, postpartum rage is a result of feeling overwhelmed, resentful, isolated, uncertain or guilty. Unfortunately, these are all very common emotions during the postpartum year.
It’s easy to feel resentful of our single friends who can go out at night or sleep in on weekends. Many of us feel resentful towards our partners who have the option to get away from the baby for several hours a day to attend work.
A sense of isolation during maternity leave can feel debilitating. We are stuck at home with our insecurities, and only the company of a (demanding) baby for entertainment and companionship. The impact of isolation has become exponentially harder during the pandemic when activities like baby/mom groups, gyms, libraries, and other resources are no longer available.
The first year with a baby is full of so many overwhelming anxieties. From the baby’s first cold, to poor latches, and low weight, there are ample opportunities for a new parent to feel distressed. When we have had time to breathe, or if we have older children, we are more confident in our approach to parenting. We can forgive ourselves more easily after making a mistake. However, when we are vulnerable (e.g. being a first-time parent), the guilt and overwhelm can take over whenever we make mistakes.
Anger allows a safe option to cover up these underlying and more vulnerable emotions. It is an instinctive coping mechanism. Anger gives us a quick and fast way to release all of our pent up feelings. Once those feelings are released, we have more space to manage life, or we can push aside our resentment for one more day. In order to have anger soften, we have to work with these underlying issues. This can take time and trust with a therapist. After all, who actually likes acknowledging that they feel resentful or incompetent? Once these underlying factors feel more at peace, our anger will slowly start to shift. It no longer needs to take over in order to protect you.
What you can do on your own
Not everyone wants, is ready to attend, or can afford consistent therapy. Exploring your own underlying emotions is a unique journey. It will lead us to understanding your vulnerabilities, where they stem from, and what these parts of you may need from you in order to heal. However, if this is not an option for you today, there are things you can do independently.
- Pay attention to triggers. Write down when your bouts of anger happen, and start paying attention for commonalities. Is it a specific person that gets you going? Is it a certain time of day? By noticing when you are most likely to get angry, you can have more options to problem solve or work around this trigger.
- Recognize your body cues. Your anger will often show up in the same way somatically. Take a moment to think about the last thing that really pissed you off. How does your system respond? Does your body start to tense up? Does your mind start to race? Do you notice if there is a certain location in your system that carries the most activation? Once we are aware of our somatic cues, we can start to respond to them faster. Similarly to knowing our triggers, it’s helpful to know our bodies. For example, if your heart starts to race and your hands get clammy, that can be a wake up call to have your partner take over while you take a break.
- Evaluate your expectations. A lot of our guilt comes from high expectations of how we ought to be as parents. Consider if these standards you’re setting are fair. The best way to consider if you’re setting yourself up is to ask if you’d push these same expectations on a friend or loved one.
- Address loneliness. It can be incredibly challenging to ask for help or voice to others that we are feeling isolated. Yet, if there’s one thing this pandemic has taught us, we need to stay connected. As human beings, it is in our nature to be social. This does not mean you have to plans everyday; however, scheduling a weekly check in with a friend, or going on a regular walk with your neighbour may be enough to shift out of the loneliness.
- Prioritize sleep. I have written earlier posts about sleep hygiene, and I encourage you to try out these strategies. Your little one may be waking up several times at night, in which case, I recommend coordinating with your family members to have at least 4-hours of consolidated sleep. This allows you to have the opportunity to complete one full sleep cycle. It’s okay that this deep rest comes at 6 PM. As long as you are having these four hours daily, your mental health has a chance to be less distressed.
- Make time for your own interests. You can be an incredible parent AND be your own person. It’s easy to lose ourselves in becoming parents. All of your interests, hobbies, and passions get dropped to the wayside to focus on your little one. While this is normal at the start, we want to ensure you create some balance. This little person will always be in your life, and it’s important you don’t lose your good habits (e.g. self-care, exercise, extracurricular activities, time with friends) while parenting. When you carve out some consistent time for your own interests right from the beginning, it can be an easier habit to maintain long-term.
- Reduce your to-do list. Sometimes, in the sake of being productive and managing all of our expectations, we create a lengthy lists of tasks to accomplish. Postpartum rage is often a result of feeling overwhelmed, and one of the simplest ways to manage is to look at what can be dropped from your list. I get that we’d love to have a pristine household, be incredibly fit, have time for work, and manage a full social calendar. However, it’s not possible to achieve all of these needs at once. So consider what needs to be prioritized and what you’re willing to be flexible on.
Postpartum rage can get better
Postpartum rage is awful and it’s incredibly common. Unfortunately, for many of us, we carry so much shame in getting triggered. Postpartum rage is one of the many postpartum mood and anxiety disorders that can take place in the first year. As Postpartum Support International wisely tells all parents in this phase, “You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.”
Warmly,
Kasi