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Little Known Ways to Surviving The Newborn Stage

If you are in your first few days of parenting, congratulations! Welcome to the club! 🙂 The newborn stage is exciting and petrifying. If you are a first time parent, you may be tested in ways that you’ve never dealt with previously. I hope the following tips will help you during these early days.

The 5 S’s.

A fussy baby is one of the hardest part of the newborn stage. It’s not like they can communicate through words, and chances are you’re starting to feel frustrated when you can’t figure out how to settle your little one. If you have heard of Harvey Karp and the Happiest Baby on the Block, this tip will seem familiar for you. Dr. Karp encourages a method that helps calm a fussy baby very quickly, which he refers to as the Five S’s:

Step 1. Swaddle:

Yes, it may seem that your baby hates being swaddled. Your baby may kick up a storm or try and escape those tight confines. However, the swaddle resembles the safe and snug cocoon of the womb, which will feel comforting and familiar. Keeping your little one swaddled also prevents him from accidentally waking himself up due to the Moro reflex. Rather than give up right at this stage, get your baby swaddled and move forward to the next step. (TIP: Using swaddles with a velcro attachment will make life much easier because it reduces the likelihood of babies wriggling out).

Step 2. Side/Stomach position:

When babies are lying on their back, it often feels like they are falling. They are likely to display the Moro reflex when this occurs. While sleeping on their back is necessary, holding them on their side or stomach is a fast way to help soothe a fussy baby.

Another influencing factor is that your little one is watching you trying to comfort her. Although you are using a soft and soothing approach, you may end up stimulating her by maintaining eye contact. The next time you are trying to settle your little one, try holding her in this hold, and see how she responds.

Step 3. Shushing:

Your current strategy may involve ensuring the house is completely silent when it’s time for baby’s nap. After all, having a quiet and dark environment is the ideal way for you to go to sleep. Ironically, a silent environment is not as helpful for babies. When babies are in the womb, things are loud. They can hear all sorts of noises coming from inside of you (e.g. blood flow) and from your external environments (e.g. conversations). Rather than keeping a quiet space, it’s best to include white noise to mimic these familiar rumbling and indistinct sounds. Try setting up a white noise machine (or using a free app on your phone) to help introduce some sound to their sleep environment.

Step 4. Swing

The fourth step: Swing

While gentle rocking or swinging motion will be helpful, what is most effective in calming a fussy baby is using a bobblehead-type movement. The womb is not a smooth, gentle place. Instead, it’s quite jiggly. Take a look at the following video to demonstrate how to create the right swinging movement.

Step 5. Suck/Soother

The soother is either your best friend or your nemesis at this point in time. Many parents find that their baby takes the soother right away and it is a fast way to stop the tears. There is an equal number of parents who have bought 14 different soothers and feel frustrated that their baby continues to gag or spit them out. I find this video really helpful for introducing a pacifier.

Seeing it all in action

The following video shows Harvey Karp incorporating all of these tips together. Again, the newborn stage involves a lot of tears. Putting the 5 S’s together is a fast and effective option to help your little one settle.

The 5 S’s in action

Beware of the Google Trap

google trap. anxious parents. Surviving the newborn stage.

It’s easy to keep researching things. If you are anything like me during my first postpartum experience, you will have diagnosed your baby with 20 medical issues (none of which were actually the case). This is super common, and everyone is aware of the vulnerability of searching on WebMD when anxieties are high. Rather than getting into this spiral, reach out to your health care team (e.g. lactation consultant, family doctor, nurses, social workers). You may worry about “bothering” your health team, but I promise you, they are used to parents reaching out. It is common to have questions , especially if this is your first baby. Whether you are struggling with breastfeeding, worried about baby’s health, questioning your relationship, you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.

Stay Connected

Whether it’s an online forum or with your fellow friends and neighbours, it’s important to have others to talk to. Getting through the newborn stage is tough. There are a lot of questions and anxieties as the baby does new things (or doesn’t do new things). Please know that with every worry you have had, another parent has dealt with the same fear. Anxiety is normal.

Online communities (e.g. What to Expect) are especially helpful for addressing fears that occur in the middle of the night. There is almost always someone available to support you irrespective of the time of day. Speak to your friends, family, and partner. Sometimes our anxieties can escalate. In these moments, it’s helpful to talk them through with a grounded and non-judgemental person.

Get some sleep

In the beginning, when you are on a two-hour feeding cycle, it may seem that sleep is impossible. The idea of sleeping when baby sleeps feels like a joke. This baby never rests unless being held. Whatever the circumstances are with your baby’s sleep patterns (or lack thereof), you still need some rest. I encourage all parents to find opportunities for shift sleeping. Decide among yourselves who is a night owl and who prefers early mornings. Have a bottle ready and let your partner be in charge for those hours. Ideally, you are trying to get a 4-hour chunk of sleep so that you have the opportunity to enter REM sleep. Remind yourself that this is not permanent. While, it’s hard and challenging, your little one will eventually sleep through the night.

Know when your baby is in Active Sleep

I remember that I used to rush in whenever my kids made the slightest noise during the night. I’d assume they were awake, needing another feed, and that I would have to help them settle in some way or form. Unfortunately, my attempts to intervene only frustrated them. This is because I was actually interrupting their active sleep.

Active sleep is noisy! It involves grunting, squirming and even crying. Of course, in my sleep deprived and anxious state as a first time parent, I would see these cues and rush over to “soothe” my eldest, not knowing he was still resting. This tip involves identifying active sleep, and learning to stay out of the way when baby is resting. This video is a great resource to help you identify active sleep:

Attachment can take time

Some parents feel enamoured with their baby from day one. However, many parents do not feel this way. Building an attachment with your baby can take time. It is perfectly normal to feel scared, overwhelmed, confused, nervous or a variety of other emotions when you first meet your child. The newborn stage is meant to be a time where you develop a relationship. You get to know your child, and like any other relationships, you build trust and communication.

Will this tiny person ever stop crying?

There is a hormonal surge that kicks into full gear as soon as we hear the baby cry. You may be among the few who dash from one end of the house, leaping through obstacles in order to stop the tears ASAP. Alternatively, you may feel a rush of anger coursing through your body when you hear your baby wailing. Both responses are common. Our lovely friend, oxytocin has turned things up a notch making parents incredibly sensitive to a newborn crying.

When you hear someone in distress, it triggers you to respond. You will reach for your baby and start to sing, rock, or nurse. You will use any old tricks to help her calm down. However, if you have found this experience tiring or unsuccessful, those tears can make you feel plagued by helplessness and anger.

What to do if you feel anxious or angry about your baby’s tears:

  • Pause for 15 seconds. Yes, your natural instinct is to rush and rescue, but give yourself a moment to regulate. Give your baby a chance to settle.
  • Remind yourself it’s not personal. Your baby is not mad at you. You are not a bad parent. Babies cry. All. The. Time. It’s their only way of communicating. Sure, it makes your blood pressure skyrocket, but it’s the only way they can let you know something is up. Trying to decipher those tears will take time and practice, but you and your baby are doing your very best in figuring it out.
  • Write a plan for yourself. When your baby is fussy, what will you do? Perhaps you will follow the 5 S’s listed above. You may choose to sit in a rocking chair. You might whip out a bottle to nurse him back to calmness. Whatever option you decide, it’s helpful for you to feel confident and aware of your next step.
  • Ask to switch out. If you’ve already been taking care of a fussy infant all day, you may feel at your wit’s end. Tap out. Have your partner, friend, family member take over for an hour. Try and get out of the house during this time if you’re fighting the urge to run in and fix, correct, or offer suggestions. Take this time for self-care.
  • Shower yourself with positive affirmations. Ideally you’re saying these positive thoughts to yourself. However, if that is too hard, have a loved one reassure you. Get your daily reminder that you are doing your best. These difficult moments do not make you a bad parent.

Reach out

Postpartum anxiety and depression are common and difficult struggles. They go beyond the stressors of the newborn stage. You may find that you are constantly irritable, overwhelmed, unable to sleep, feeling miserable, or disinterested. If you are struggling, please do not stay silent. Your moods can get better. Reach out to find out more.

Kasi

Kasi Shan, MSW, RSW
Kasi Shan, MSW, RSW

Kasi Shan Therapy is located in Kitchener, Ontario. She offers in-person and online appointments supporting individuals with struggling with trauma and perinatal mental health.

Depression · Mental Health · Parenting · Pregnancy and Postpartum

Support for the avoidant parent

Sure, you and your partner have talked about having a child. In theory, it seemed fine. But now that your baby has arrived, it feels harder than you ever expected. It is exhausting trying to connect with this unresponsive baby. It feels like everytime you pick up your child, he or she knows to scream at the highest decibel. And while you’re feeling stuck, your partner has somehow become the baby whisperer, whipping out breasts, bottles, and toys and magically making this tiny human succumb into a peaceful and serene state. This post is for parents who are feeling avoidant and helpless. It is for the fathers and mothers who are painfully aware of feeling incompetent, and continue to think “I’m not good at this”. I want you to know, it can get better. I hope the following points leave you comforted and empowered. 

Stop comparing yourself with your partner

I hear a lot of fathers commenting that their partners can do it better. They see their partner staying patient and rocking the baby, doing midnight feeds, and changing multiple diapers. They see how the baby settles shortly after these interactions.  While it’s wonderful to see your partner becoming a successful parent, it can bring up a lot of our own insecurities. It’s really hard not to compare. When your partner picks up the baby, the baby calms down. When you pick up the baby, your adorable little human screams bloody murder. It makes a lot of sense that you feel avoidant.

avoidant parent. new parent. difficulty bonding. perinatal mental health. postpartum depression.

If you have always found security and confidence by doing things well, parenting can bring you outside your safe zone. Rather than work with this struggle, it’s easier to encourage your partner to take the lead since he or she is doing it better. I imagine you already know the consequences to this decision. Sure, the baby is calmer, but your partner is fried. Their arms are aching from constantly holding the baby. They haven’t slept or showered properly in days. And, chances are high, that they are frustrated with you for not taking a more active role. Meanwhile, your own insecurities of being a competent parent continues to worsen. 

Parenting is not always about doing things right. It involves time, patience, and some trial and error to figure out how to best help your little person. Chances are that you have a screaming infant on your hands for the first little while. Please know that this is normal. Your partner has also gone through this trial and error period of being hollered at, and it does get better. If you hand over the baby, your confidence does not improve. It only reinforces to you that your partner is capable and you are not. 

Forget perfection

There is a steep and fast learning curve with parenting. We make mistakes, work through the stress, and try again. We don’t have the option of quitting, and so we keep going back and figuring things out. The stress of doing things perfectly can make us avoidant in getting started. Rather than perfection, please accept that you will screw this up. Accept that you are going to make mistakes, and this will lead to tears (some of it will be yours and some will be from the baby). This is perfectly normal even though it sucks.

avoidant parent. struggles to bond with baby. postpartum depression.

While there are umpteen books and blogs out there about parenting strategies, no one has published a book for your child. Take what you know and try it out. Watch your baby’s cues to see if he or she responds well, or freaks out. It tooks me months of rocking my child to sleep and feeling frustrated before I realized this strategy wasn’t working. We’ve all gone through the nightmare of bathtime and the stress of barely keeping the baby above water. Some of us keep losing the soother- the only thing in the whole world that will make your child stop wailing. It happens. We all make mistakes, and it makes us human.

 We don’t know what will work until we take the time to try it, evaluate its efficacy, and continue or introduce a new habit. This is a normal part of learning new skills. We all start with a keen awareness of our incompetence. We practice and fine tune our skills, and eventually get to a place of being unconsciously competent. Wanting to be a perfect parent right from the start prolongs this very normal learning experience. 

Making mistakes is not the issue. Usually that error in judgment lasts a mere seconds before it’s done. However, our mind can keep us fixated on this mistake, and we get easily sucked into a world of shame, embarrassment or guilt. That small moment plagues us for days. Gently remind your system that you are human and you are learning. Mistakes are inevitable, and you did not do it maliciously or intentionally. You can and will learn from these errors. 

Assess if you have postpartum anxiety or depression

While we often think of postpartum mental health as a mom’s issue, this is just not true. 1 in 10 dads have postpartum depression, although only 3% of dads actually seek treatment. 1 in 7 mothers have postpartum depression. Unfortunately, there is limited research available about sexual minority couples, and the published statistics vary widely. That being said, postpartum mental health does not discriminate based on sex, culture, socioeconomic status, education, or age. It can happen to anyone. 

avoidant parent. struggling to bond with new baby. new dads. postpartum depression and perinatal mental health.

When it comes to depression, symptoms can include lack of energy, disinterest, poor sleep or eating habits, or limited social interaction. Postpartum mental health shows up differently. We want to pay attention to signs like irritability, anger, excessive worries, avoidant behaviours, and poor concentration. Because these are painful struggles, many people try to cope by drinking, avoiding parenting, or getting into arguments. Unfortunately, our friends notice that we are drinking a lot and disengaged with the baby, but they don’t recognize that we are struggling with postpartum depression. 

When it comes to mental health or any diagnosis, we need a treatment plan. This can include: help with emotional processing, behavioural changes, professional interventions, medication, or increased social support. Mental health does not go away with sheer will power. It is legitimate and painful, and requires proper attention. The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale is a helpful assessment that can confirm if you are struggling with postpartum mental health. I would encourage anyone who is questioning their postpartum experience to take this self-assessment.

Exposure therapy can help

If you are struggling with your mental health, you do not have the effort or patience to invest into a new relationship. Depression will make you feel irritable and unmotivated, and anxiety will cause you to worry or panic. Your system just wants to shut down. When we shut down from our relationships and our environment, we address the problem briefly. We find temporary relief because we don’t have to spend time with the newborn. This relief is short-lived because, let’s face it, that baby is not going anywhere. Unfortunately, we fall into this repetitive pattern of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions, and avoiding the stress. This works temporarily until we face yet another scenario where we feel overwhelmed.

 I encourage you to take small steps to help your system see that you can become a strong parent. Exposure therapy involves creating a consistent and gradual plan to do things that you are fearful or avoidant of in order to build your confidence and reduce your fears. We want to first create a list of tasks that provoke anxiety and avoidant behaviours. Then we start with fears that are unpleasant, but manageable, and practice this repeatedly. It is only when the distress goes down and the confidence increases, that we move on to a more challenging task. Everyone’s exposure plan will differ based on his or her comfort zone and anxiety level. The following post explains exposure therapy in more detail, and I encourage you to reach out if you’d like to fine tune or problem solve your specific circumstance. 

Finding the balance between Me and We

Parenting can be a serious buzz kill for our social lives. Chances are that your kid is passing out by 7 PM, which means you’re likely starting a bedtime routine by 6:30 PM. It’s hard to nurture our hobbies, interests, or social lives if you need to be home by that early hour. Parenting can also influence our career path. Signing up for that new project or taking a promotion are incredible opportunities that you’ve worked so hard to accomplish. That being said, these activities mean more hours away from home. 

There is not a simple answer that will help you find balance between your interests and ambitions with your new parenting role. However, I’d recommend first sitting down with your partner and working on a plan. Parenting should not be an all-or-nothing experience. You should not give up all your interests, friendships, or goals. However, being a parent does involve some compromise. You may not be able to take on every project at work. Or, if you do, you will face the wrath and frustration of your kids and partner. It’s hard to win at everything, and we need to let go of the expectation to achieve it all. Instead, pay attention to your priorities. Some activities will feel easy to drop, whereas others may cause a lot of resentment. Fight for the priorities that matter.

While routines and schedules are not sexy, they do ensure you have time for yourself. It’s helpful to speak with your partner to ensure you both have time to do your own things. This might involve you taking on morning chores in order for your partner to go to the gym. As a result, he or she is more flexible about you playing hockey and hang out with your friends during the evenings. The predictability in knowing Mondays nights are yours to do as you please will help settle your anxiety.

There will come a time when your child is old enough to be more self-reliant. He or she will not need you to play such a supervisory role. When this happens, sign up for more things. Until then, work with your spouse in understanding what priorities you would like to invest in during the next few months. Talk about this plan regularly so that there are no surprises and there is room to make changes. 

The pressure to do it all

As the sole parent attending work, you may feel a huge financial responsibility on your shoulders. You may also come home to a very drained spouse, and your guilt prevents you from taking time for your own self-care. Perhaps the added stress of taking care of another person can feel overwhelming. 

avoidant parent. stressed new parent. building a better bond with your baby. postpartum mental health.

If you are feeling these types of pressure, pay attention to how you respond. Some parents will work more hours in hopes that they can manage this new financial burden. Some will feel resentful towards their baby or family because these changes feel so hard. Others will become avoidant, and spend all of their time outside of the home. All of these reactions are understandable given how much this postpartum year has left you unsettled.

If possible, take a moment to slow it down and reflect. What is it about this responsibility that is worrying you the most? What makes you doubt your capacity to manage these new tasks? Is your system aware that the financial strain will improve once your partner re-enters the work force? Would it be helpful to look at your budget and make changes so that you don’t spend all day working ? Are you feeling guilty because you are struggling to “fix” your partner’s exhaustion? Does your partner want you to take on this role? By understanding the root cause of our pressure, we are able to make wiser choices. We don’t have to react in impulsive or avoidant ways, and can instead focus on problem solving, communicating, or setting realistic expectations. 

Talk about it 

There are many supports and resources for new mothers, and I recognize that the same level of support is not readily available for dads and partners. A highly effective intervention for postpartum mental health is an increase to our support network. There is significant healing that happens when you are supported by others who truly understand and appreciate the hardships of the postpartum year. This can involve leaning on your parents, friends with older children, neighbours with newborns, or a local support group. It’s helpful to speak up, and receive support and compassion from the other end. It helps to talk with others who can share advice or normalize your experiences. 

Reach out

There are many ways you can build a bond with your baby. While you can remain avoidant, this behaviour tends to bring a lot of consequences. If you or your partner is struggling with this new role of parenthood, reach out. You do not have to struggle in isolation. 

Best wishes, 

Kasi 

Parenting · Pregnancy and Postpartum

Building a bond with your baby: Strategies to help when you struggle with postpartum mental health

When it comes to postpartum mental health, many parents struggle to building a connection with their little ones. There may be feelings of resentment that our lives have changed. You may feel too tired to want to play or sing nurseries. Your anxiety feels too high for you to be comfortable spending time alone with your infant. Whatever the reasons may be, you’ve been coping these months by maintaining an emotional distance from your child and feel desperate to build a bond with your baby.

I want you to know that attachment can be formed irrespective of postpartum mental health. Our relationships can always grow and develop, even when the onset was rocky. The first five years with your child are pivotal, and there are many things that can be done from hereon in to nurture this new relationship safely and without overwhelming your nerves or emotions.

The following strategies will help you feel more secure to meet your baby’s needs. No, they’re not all about singing songs or giving massages. I recognize that singing and massages are great options, but not everyone is at this starting point. So, let’s start slow so that we can get you to a place of feeling more confident to building a better relationship.

1. Introduce your infant to activities that you enjoy doing.

bonding with your baby, attachment, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, strategies to cope

When the bond with your baby is already feeling tested, it’s incredibly hard to push ourselves to do “baby-focused” activities. Your motivation and desire to encourage tummy time or play peek-a-boo is next to nil. When you feel this way, it’s not helpful to ask you to force it. This may work for a day or two, but a stressful event will likely bring you back to square one. Instead, I want to encourage taking small steps that will feel more manageable for your system.

When you focus on your hobbies and interests, you’re often able to relax. There’s less pressure to perform. You have less anxieties about ensuring you’re “doing it right” and, instead, can just enjoy the task at hand. Whether it’s going for a run, cooking a meal, painting, reading a book, playing dungeons and dragons, there are creative ways to bring your baby into your world. Bust out that jogger to take your little one on a run with you. Introduce your baby to different smells, and speak to her about the different spices that are going into your meal. Show her the different colors you’re using while painting. Read outloud from your book so that your baby learns new words. Have her roll large dice for your various rounds in a board game. There are ways to still be you and foster your own interests while including your baby.

2. Build confidence with a support person

When you’re feeling insecure about being a parent, the pressure of parenting independently can feel like too much. Let your partner, friends, or family members know how you feel. Your sense of overwhelm with the baby does not mean you cannot be a good parent. Attachment struggles are a common sign of postpartum anxiety. Rather than avoid your baby all together (many have been here!), or become flooded with frustration or resentment, try and share the load.

postpartum mental health, attachment, bond with baby. family support.

Speak with your family members about spending more time together so that you can grow into this role. It’s easier to play with the baby or learn to handle colicky moments when you have a safe friend or family member supporting you. Your trusted person may give tips (tell them to cool it if it feels too much), or may provide you encouragement as you try. They may be wonderful at providing a distraction, so that you’re less focused on doing things perfectly. This support should also include your friend providing you a time out when you have met your limit and need to take a breather.

adult affection baby child
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A word of caution that it can feel tempting to step away and allow your family member to take over. But if you are hanging out with your little one and there’s a fellow adult around, the conversation feels easier, and there’s less strain to manage by yourself. When you’ve had enough practice with your infant, speak with your support person about coming over for shorter visits. By slowly reducing the amount of support available, you are practicing gradual exposure. This type of practice helps you work set realistic goals within your window of tolerance, and slowly build confidence as you spend more time independently parenting.

3. Make sure you are getting enough time to sleep.

postpartum mental health. building bond with your baby. sleep.

I know this point sounds strange as far as suggestions to improve the bond with your baby. However, one of the biggest turning points for postpartum mental health is having enough rest. You will never feel at your best if you are working off days or weeks of sleep deprivation. Trust that you will feel calmer, more energetic, more engaged and more like yourself when you’ve had sleep. Once you’ve had a solid week or two of rest, check in on your feelings towards your baby. Are you still feel that intense aversion or fear or has it shifted a bit?

For new parents, I strongly encourage working collaboratively to at least have longer segmented sleep. This might mean that one parent takes an early morning shift so that the other gets to sleep in. Or vice versa, whoever is the night owl takes on the later evening feed so that the other can rest. Understandably, parents will have to consider their comfort levels with pumping or formula feeding. While this is a personal choice, I want to emphasize that your system will feel significantly better after having at least four solid hours of rest.

4. Eye contact and Communication

Eye contact and verbal communication are effective ways to building a bond with your baby. These verbal and non-verbal cues help foster language skills and emotional intelligence in your little one. Your baby starts to recognize faces, understand facial cues, and builds a sense of safety with you. By communicating more, your baby will pick up on various words and gain a stronger understanding of language.

attachment and bond with your baby. Eye contact. postpartum in moms and dads

Maintaining eye contact can be incredibly difficulty, particularly if you struggle with attachment traumas or social anxiety. This strategy may not feel right for everyone, and I encourage you to be kind to yourself and where you are in your healing process. If it feels manageable, try and look directly at your baby while breastfeeding, changing diapers, and when doing any tasks related to your little one. Feel free to look away when the baby loses interest or is over-stimulated. I want to emphasize that doing even a little bit is better than nothing at all. If you are able to maintain eye contact while changing a diaper but feel overwhelmed during breastfeeding, work with that capacity.

Many parents with postpartum depression struggle to spend time with their babies, and it’s a big ask to encourage them to speak to their infants more often. If you are not “feeling it”, you don’t have to coo, speak in baby-talk, or sing nursery rhymes. Keep it simple. Describe what you’re doing in that moment with your baby, even it if it sounds like a tedious play by play. Talk about things that interest you in front of your infant so that they hear the variance in your speech patterns. Have conversations with other adults in front of your babies so they can witness different verbal and non-verbal expressions.

5. When there are no words, use hugs.

Perinatal mental health. Crying, fussy baby. Improving bond. improving attachment

Sometimes the baby cries, and it’s the most aggravating experience. You can’t figure it out. You have tried changing diapers, feeding, rocking, and nothing is working. Rather than stress yourself further, if you have the ability, focus on just holding your baby. There’s no need to walk around or figure out a soothing gait. Spend that effort on giving your baby a gentle hug. Touch is one of the most reassuring options for your infant and it provides them a sense of safety. Having that skin to skin contact, when you don’t know the right words or actions to take, can help both you and the baby feel calmer. Building a bond with your baby can involve a variety of different strategies, but sometimes the simplest action of being held can be enough.

6. When there are no words, walk away.

time outs. improving bonds. frustrated dad.

I know this seems contradictory to the previous point, but this is to give you the option to decide your current capacity. I encourage you to start with hugs when you are capable of this action. When you feel you cannot take it, and you are at your max, it’s essential that you have permission to put the baby in the crib and walk away. Giving ourselves timeouts is a wonderful option to take a break, find ways to regulate, and try again after a few minutes. I encourage using a distress tolerance skill (e.g. dialectical behaviour therapy skills like ACCEPTS or changing temperature) during your timeouts as it is a fast way to calm your system.

7. Plan your day

Boredom can be a significant trigger for many people. When you are bored, your mind starts to wander and, oftentimes, you’re back to that pattern of anxious, racing thoughts. Boredom can lead you to that rabbithole of social media where you fall into the trap of comparing your life to others. Boredom can be a common push factor towards drinking. When we are aware that boredom plays a role in our emotional struggle, we can form a plan. When your mental health improves, your ability to build a bond with your baby also improves.

While parental leave can be wonderful, it can also involve long and tedious days. In many ways, going to work provides us a lot of stability: we have a consistent routine of getting up, tasks to accomplish, opportunities for social interaction and consistent break times. If we know what the day will include, it can ease our anxieties, and we can plan ahead for boredom.

So, what will you do this week? Can you try and wake up and go to bed at the same time each day? Do you have opportunities to socialize each day? Are there playdates that you can schedule, outings that you can plan, activities that you’ve wanted to try out? Are there new play gyms that are available in your city? Will you register for a new online parent and baby class? Are there some new and exciting activities or hobbies that you’ve been wanting to take up (with or without your little one around)?

8. Building a bond with your baby does not require perfect parenting

Parenting has become a dreaded term. It’s a job that involves a lot of effort and patience on your part, and very little on the part of your babies. And as with any job, you may be striving to do it right. While your intentions are commendable, the desire to parent well can sometimes lead to additional stress.

When it comes to providing for your baby, “good enough” is more than enough. We are not able to get it right all the time, and it’s unrealistic to expect this of anyone. There are always going to be factors that pull our attention and that prevent us from being able to attend to our child’s emotional cues. In reality, we only get it right about 30% of the time. Other times, we are completely missing the mark on our babies’ cues or working to repair that misattunement. This is perfectly normal and expected in all parents. Rather than getting our hopes up to parent perfectly, we can focus our attention on repair if we have made a mistake. Repair work may involve: apologizing if you’ve been cross, paying attention if your child is trying to engage you in play, or providing that gentle hug if your baby gets frightened by your exasperated sigh. Our expectations can ease when we know that we will only get it right 30% of the time AND that this 30% attunement is what we can expect even in the most loving and secure of relationships.

Reach out

Everyone’s situation is unique. I don’t want to assume that the points I’ve listed out are going to meet your specific needs. If you are struggling with postpartum mental health and you’re concerned about the bond with your baby, reach out for a free consult. Postpartum mental health is treatable. You can get better, and your relationship with your child can be positive.

Take care,

Kasi

Mental Health · Parenting

Using validation to improve your relationship

When it comes to some challenging relationships, we all recognize that miscommunications and frustration seem endless. It feels like every conversation hits a roadblocks, and both you and the other person walk away feeling hurt, pissed off, and unheard. So how do we work through these blocks so that we can improve our relationship with these individuals? Whether you are a family member, a partner, a friend, or a work colleague, validation is an incredibly simple and powerful skill that can help reduce conflict and improve your relationships.

What is validation?

Validation involves acknowledging how another person’s thoughts, behaviours, or actions make sense given the context. This means finding even the smallest piece of the other person’s argument that you can appreciate and find valid or reasonable. Not only do you need to recognize this understanding, but you’ll need to take the time to express that understanding to the other person.

Validation to improve your relationship. Kasi Shan Therapy offers counselling services online and in Kitchener, ON.
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There might be some guess work when it comes to validation. After all, you can’t know for sure what a person is thinking or feeling unless they are actually stating these points. However, can you look at the situation with an empathetic perspective, and guess as to what may causing them to behave this way at this time? If not, can you ask them to help you understand why they feel so passionately about a certain stance?

Let’s take an example of parenting teenagers. Let’s say that, most recently, your arguments have been about curfew and arriving home on time. Typically, when you and your teens get into a conflict, it is the most exasperating conversation. It feels next to impossible to find any points that your teens are voicing that makes sense. In the end, you all end up screaming at one another, and the relationship stays rocky.

Validation to improve your relationship. Kasi Shan Therapy offers counselling services online and in Kitchener, ON.
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If you could step back from the conflict at this moment, is there any understanding for why your teenagers want to push back a curfew time, and how that makes sense? If you were in your teens’ shoes, what might they be feeling? What does staying out later mean to them? What opportunities are they hoping to meet by staying out later? Would having a slightly later curfew mean more time with friends? Would it mean they feel like they belong in their peer group? Are they worried about not having time with their partners? What do they worry will happen if they don’t get to have this time? If they are worried about their social status, does it make sense that they are pissed off right now that they can’t stay out later? If they are wanting to spend time with their friends, and feel socially isolated right now, does it make sense that they are arguing so strongly?

Validation is not approval or agreement

Validation to improve your relationship. Kasi Shan Therapy offers counselling services online and in Kitchener, ON.

I tend to lose parents in trying to see things from their teens’ point of view because they worry that validation will mean approval or acceptance of their behaviour. And of course, at the end of the day, you don’t want to condone them to stay out later. You’re worried about what kind of trouble they’ll get into at later hours. You’re concerned about safety and whether their peers will be making responsible choices at this time. You’re tired of being anxious, and staying up late in order to ensure they’re coming home safely…. Did you notice what I just did there? I focused on validating how you may be feeling. I didn’t agree with you or claim that your point of view was correct. However, I focused on trying to find kernels of truth that I can appreciate from your point of view, and expressed how they are valid and reasonable. When you read these words of validation, how did they land with you? Did you get more upset or was there some softening on your part?

When we validate, it helps us shift out of stuck patterns of all-or-nothing thinking, where either you are right or the other person is right. When we are focused on findings things to validate, it forces us to pay attention to how an experience might be for another person. This can be tough because our natural instinct is to focus on our own emotions, thoughts and feel affronted that the other person “doesn’t get it.” By taking their perspective, it helps us move away from the extreme all-or-nothing framework that we often get caught in when we’re angry. Validation helps us shift into more dialectical thinking, teaching us that there can be more than one side to an argument.

Validation to improve your relationship. Kasi Shan Therapy offers counselling services online and in Kitchener, ON.
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Once the emotional intensity goes down during an argument, there is more capacity to work together and find options that likely fall somewhere in the middle. When we express words of validation, the other person will feel more understood, and therefore, more amenable to talking. While the actual problem will still need to be addressed and resolved, you’re both more grounded in order to have a conversation that improves your relationship rather than cause harm.

When it comes to validation, I try and follow the rules of Dr. Adele LaFrance, founder of Emotion Focused-Family Therapy Dr. LaFrance recommends working validation in sets of threes, meaning, can you find three points to validate? Let’s assume that your partner is really angry that you didn’t wash the dishes. If you were to say the following validating statement to your partner, how do you imagine it would go?

I can really appreciate that you’re frustrated right now. (1) You’ve had a long day at work, and (2) you’ve been so excited to come home and relax, and (3) seeing the pile of dirty dishes would feel so cumbersome when you already feel so tired.

Notice how in the above statement, there was acknowledgement of how your partner may be feeling, thinking or behaving, and how you can genuinely empathize with these factors. If you’re feeling stuck with how to validate, try and begin with statements such as:

  • I can appreciate that you
  • I could understand how you…
  • I could imagine that..
  • It makes sense that…

Stuck places: When does it go wrong?

  • Not knowing what to validate: If you really feel stuck, and can’t guess what to validate, simply ask. Ask the person to help you understand why they feel this way or to explain why it’s so important that they push this specific agenda. By asking for clarification, it will give them a chance to express their feelings, and also provide you some opportunities for potential validation points.
  • Using BUT after you validate: There is no other way to kill a beautiful validating sentence than using “but”. It negates the initial positive statement, and focuses more on selling your point of view. It’s not that your point of view is wrong. However, validation is all about helping to lower the intensity of emotions so that the other person will be more willing to listen and work amicably. This won’t happen if you’re agenda is to convince them that you’re right (even though you may be right! Nevertheless, it doesn’t change their willingness to work with you).
  • Forgetting to be mindful of our tone and non-verbal cues: What’s the point of saying all these lovely words if we don’t express them in a genuine and gentle fashion? Your friend will not feel understood if you’re rolling your eyes and scoffing while you tell him/her/them that you get it. So check in on your external presentation. Can it soften? How is your volume? Does it need to lower? What is your body posture like? Is your tone clipped or curt? Can you express your interest in hearing what the other person has to say?

So the next time you find your in a stagnant conflict, give validation a try and let me know how it goes. As always, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to reach out.

Parenting

3 tips to improve your parenting style

How do you find your parenting style? Does it meet the standards you’d set out for yourself? Are there times where you look back and cringe, wishing things had gone differently? Are there moments where you’re proud of how you handled a tough tantrum? In the next few posts, I will be sharing some strategies to improve your parenting style with your kids. Give it a try and see how your relationship can grow!

Strategy One: Be mindful of HOW you are talking.

STEP ONE

I challenge you to do absolutely nothing different except start observing the way you communicate with other people. Notice how your tone, posture, volume, eye contact, and other verbal/nonverbal communication skills shift when you’re speaking from one person to the next.

father talking to his son
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STEP TWO

Start noticing how you are talking to your kids. Surely they are not the only people in your life who you find baffling or irritating. How do you approach them versus anyone else outside of your home?

family preparing food in the kitchen
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STEP THREE

Write a list of communication changes that are manageable right now. Do not wait until the ‘perfect time’ to make these changes- your kids will not be around on only ‘perfect days’. Would this change involve having more eye contact when you speak with them? Do you need to switch to a gentler tone? Do you tend to multitask when you’re around them? Are there any passive-aggressive comments being made? (No judgement! We’ve all done it at some point.)

notebook
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Pick ONE strategy and try it out consistently for two weeks. Check at the end of your two weeks to see if it made a difference. If it does, awesome and congrats! If it doesn’t, go back to your list and try another. Good luck, parents!
As always, feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.

Kasi

Parenting

Being a “good enough” parent

The beauty is in repairing our relationships, not about being perfect.

This year, I began a new part-time job working with a postpartum mood disorder program. Surrounded by new parents, I couldn’t help but think about all the joys (and horrors) of pregnancy and that first year after my son was born. For those of you who know me well, you’re likely aware that I can be a perfectionist. I fought many battles in my head during those months – Am I spending enough time with my son? Does he feel enough love? Am I disciplining enough, or am I being a pushover? Is he crying too much? Why don’t I have the skills to make him stop crying? Will this kid ever go to bed? Unfortunately, the relief came to me after I returned back to work and started reading more on attachment theory. While I’d love to believe that I’m totally in sync with my kid and can respond effortlessly, he and I both know I’d be lying. Ed Tronick (psychologist behind the Still Face Experiment) and his team completed some research in the 80s focusing on parent-child interaction. They found that parents are only correctly “in tune” (correctly understanding and responding to our kids’ emotional and social cues) with their kids about 20-30% of the time.

Being a good enough parent. Are you looking for support with parenting? Contact Kasi Shan Therapy. Treating trauma and postpartum/ pregnancy mental health.
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Sure when our babies communicate with us we try to respond, but we all make mistakes. Sometimes our kid wants to play, and we fail to respond (also known in my house as 5 AM when I’m too focused on gulping down my first cup of coffee to truly care about the world of Hot Wheels). Luckily, research shows that my lack of enthusiasm towards plastic cars (often followed by a whiny complaint from my charming toddler) will not destroy our relationship. The key to a good relationship with our kids is in the repair work. This may mean we read a story together after I’ve inhaled that first cup; or, I do some mindful breathing to help me regulate so I can handle the tantrum. Most of our errors get repaired quickly when we tune back in with our kids and understand their emotional needs. In the grand scheme of things, a negative interaction will not make or break our relationship, so long as our kids feel the repair work.

Being a good enough parent. Are you wanting support with parenting? Contact Kasi Shan Therapy. Treating trauma and postpartum/ pregnancy mental health.
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So, what’s the moral of this story? As parents, we just have to try our best. Some days we’ll be great at picking up on our kids’ emotional cues, and our attentiveness and empathy will be on point. Other days, we screw up. So long as we continue to work on getting back in sync, we’ll be okay, and so will our kids. My son will not care about the one morning when I growl at a hot wheel or lose my patience when we’re running late for work. The ratio of this ‘attachment rupture’ is balanced out when I join him in belting out the Spiderman theme song in the car every day.

Would you like to learn more, or chat about parenting?