Pregnancy and Postpartum

7 Tips for Parents Going Back to Work

How are you feeling about going back to work? The past few months have been all about baby, and now you’re suddenly expected to balance work, childcare, and other needs. There’s no way this can go smoothly.

If you’re among the many, returning back to work after maternity leave (or paternity leave) can be a difficult transition. Here are seven tips that can help you along your emotional journey and set you and kiddo up for success.

#1: Change habits ahead of time

changing routines. Transitioning back to work from parental leave. Kasi Shan Therapy offers therapy for trauma and perinatal mental health. Online and in-person appointments in Kitchener, Ontario

Unfortunately, your schedule will look different. You won’t have the same flexibility with your morning routine. Things you may have fobbed off (e.g. getting ready on time, wearing clothes that are not pyjama/sweats, putting baby in clothes) have to be reintroduced into your routine. Changing your habits can be challenging, and it’s best to give yourself some time with these transitions.

Take a look at your routine and consider what you can do to fine-tune your schedule before going back to work:

  • What is getting in the way for you to have a successful day?
    • Are you staying up late at night scrolling on your phone? Do you drink too much caffeine to fall asleep on time?
    • Once these problem areas are identified, create ways to make them harder to repeat. For example, put the coffee machine away after 11 AM, turn off the wifi after 10 PM. It may sound silly, but any barriers that get in the way will make these problem areas less desirable
    • e.g. If the cookie is right in front of you, you’re going to grab it. If you have to grab the kitchen stool and reach to the top shelf on your cabinet to get the same cookie, you may reconsider if it’s worth it.
  • Consider the habits you’d like to introduce into your schedule: Do you need to wake up earlier? Are you intending to pack your lunch the night before? Do you have a regular night out with your friends? How will you get your child to eat breakfast on time? This step may involve some creative problem solving. You may also have to rely on the support of friends, family, or childcare providers to make it work.
  • Work on introducing one new habit at a time. Rather than manage all of these changes from the get-go, give yourself plenty of time to get used to forming these habits.
  • Have reminders to cue you about your new habits. e.g. Place your gym clothes near the foot of the bed so that you have it ready to go when you wake up in the morning.
  • Use rewards to motivate. Behavioural psychology works! If you pair your new changes with a reward, you’re more likely to follow through. E.g. If your child finishes breakfast on time, you will set aside 10 minutes to play or read before heading out the door.

It takes time to get used to things. Going back to work is huge change from your daily routine of the past few months. If you’d like to learn more about creating changes, check out Atomic Habits or The Power of Habit.

#2 Remember that you will still have a strong attachment with your baby

A big fear of returning back to work is about losing the bond you have with your child. If this is you, remember that attachments and relationships are not so delicate that they will break with having a few hours apart.

If you’re in a secure relationship, you may notice this pattern more easily. In all likelihood, you go to work, hang out with others, pursue your own interests, and you come home to this person knowing that the relationship is still strong. The time apart has not shifted your feelings towards this person. It’s the same with your child. Your infant trusts that you will come back. Your infant will have strong relationships with other peers and adults. You will always be a solid person in his/her/their life.

Going back to work from maternity leave. parental leave. Kasi Shan Therapy offers postpartum and prenatal counselling in Kitchener, ON. Online and in person counselling.

Rather than focusing on the amount of time you have with your kids, focus instead on the quality of the time. Engage in play, conversations, snuggles. Make sure that your kids feel seen and heard by you. This doesn’t mean you have to provide 100% of your attention when you’re at home with them! Instead, try and create some time in the mornings, afternoons and evenings for hanging out. Some examples can include: sitting down together for meals, having chats in the car, splashing around during bath time, or having snuggles while reading a story at bedtime. Going back to work does not have to stop you from having these wonderful moments.

If all of this does not convince, you, there have been studies have shown that babies do not suffer when their caregivers return to work following parental leave. Instead, the results show that children learn they are being left in safe and nurturing spaces AND that their parents always come back to them.

#3 Talk to People

Returning back to work from parental leave. It takes a village. Build a community. talk to people. Kasi Shan Therapy offers online and in-person appointments in Kitchener, Ontario.

Every single new parent I’ve talked to has varying degrees of concern and worries about going back to work! It’s an adjustment and it’s perfectly normal to feel cautious towards change.

Managing childcare, work, relationships and your own interests is hard. Rather than sitting with these frustrations alone, please reach out to your community. Let your work know about needing time to pump. Talk to other parents at your workplace to see how they managed. Work with your family members to access emotional and practical support. There’s a reason that the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” exists. Gather your village!

#4 Get to know your childcare provider

Get familiar with your daycare. Ask for a tour. Have a list of questions. I promise you, you are not alone in being anxious. Your daycare provider has answered these questions many, many times.

Talk to daycare providers. Transitioning back to work from parental leave. Nervous about going back. Build a community.

If it’s financially feasible, arrange a few half-days for your child to participate in childcare ahead of time. By having this short time period away, you will both become familiar with the routine of doing drop offs and pick ups. This trial period also provides an opportunity for you to see how your child manages when spending time away. Your childcare provider will be able to provide you some feedback (did they cry for 5 minutes or 15 minutes? Were they able to settle? Did they make friends?). You both get used to this routine ahead of time, which is helpful for when you do officially go back to work.

#5 Create a balance between needs and wants

You may have had all the time, energy and resources to invest in twelve different interests and hobbies prior to having your child. But, it’s hard to keep up at that pace. What can you feel comfortable dropping? What are you willing to be a little less “good” at? Be honest with yourself in what you really want vs. what you really need.

work life balance. going back to work from maternity leave. Support with transitions. Kasi Shan Therapy offers online and in person counselling (Kitchener, Ontario).

Find a balance between work, family life AND you-time. It may feel hard to carve out that space for your own interests, but it’s so important to make time for self-care. Without this time for your own needs and interests, it’s easy to burn out, grow resentful or lose yourself in the process of parenthood.

#6 Acknowledge the feelings

No matter what happens, there are going to be feelings. Some good, and some not so pleasant. Rather than pushing these emotions down, allow yourself some time to reflect on what’s coming up as you go back to work. You may experience rage, guilt, anxiety or overwhelm. If this is the case for you, the solutions may vary. You may ned some time to adjust to the transition. It may be helpful to reach out for support. Or, you may require some specific problem solving to address these emotional needs.

Alternatively, you may experience a sense of calm and peace now that you have some time with other adults. You may feel proud that you and your child are handling the transition as well as can be. If this has been your experience, enjoy it! Everyone adjust to change differently, and this transition may be a smooth experience for you.

#7 Cut yourself some slack

Going back to work after so many weeks or months with your child is a huge transition for you and your baby! Give yourself permission to feel all the feels, make a bunch of mistakes AND learn from your experiences. Trust that you are capable of adjusting, and that it will take time before this becomes second nature. Set up manageable expectations for yourself. You are not always going to crush it every day. Sometimes you will half-heartedly parent. Sometimes you will rely on cartoons to occupy your kiddo while prepping a meal. You are human. You are loving. You are doing your best.

Kasi Shan, MSW, RSW
Kasi Shan, MSW, RSW

Kasi Shan Therapy is located in Kitchener, Ontario. She offers in-person and online appointments supporting individuals with struggling with trauma and perinatal mental health.

Pregnancy and Postpartum

Shame and the postpartum experience

shame and postpartum. perinatal mental health. shame and pregnancy.

One of the biggest aversions to attending postpartum therapy is shame. You feel ashamed that your emotions are messy. This isn’t like you. Normally, you’re calm and cool. But, suddenly your hormones are all over the place, your hair is a mess and you can’t remember the last time you showered. There hasn’t been a single day where you haven’t burst into tears or rage.

You feel ashamed about your relationships. It feels like a huge risk to acknowledge how you truly act around your family. What would the other person say if you admit you don’t really like your baby? What if you told them you sometimes screamed at your children? Are they going to judge you if you tell them you’ve stopped breastfeeding? Would you get mocked for admitting you haven’t had sex in months? What if you revealed that you suddenly can’t stand your spouse? How will the other person react?

It’s incredibly vulnerable to open up to a stranger, especially if you worry how he or she will respond. So rather than talk, you stay silent. Shame feels awful, but it protects you. It keeps you safe from being judged. But it also means you are stuck with all these difficult thoughts and feelings bubbling inside.

The shame of mental health

Despite all of the social media posts, campaigns, and recognition about mental health today, there is still a stigma in admitting we are struggling with mental illness. You may worry about what it means to be attending therapy or starting medication. Does it make you incompetent? Are you still able to say you are a good parent if you also admit you are mentally unwell? How do you cope with your family members telling you to “suck it up” or “get it together?” All of these shameful questions and thoughts prevent you from admitting that you need help.

shame and postpartum. perinatal mental health. shame and pregnancy.

Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are genuine illnesses. During pregnancy and postpartum months, an individual could live with anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, or PTSD. The chance of experiencing any one of these illnesses is not uncommon (e.g. approximately 1 in 4 Canadian mothers reported experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression or anxiety).

As with any illness, you deserve appropriate treatment and care. It is not a matter of will power. We cannot wish it away. My favourite recommendation is to consider how you’d talk to a friend in a similar position. Chances are you would be more compassionate and open-hearted. For example, following a surgery, you would encourage said friend to attend medical appointments, take prescribed medications, and follow their health team’s recommendations. In the same way, would you be able to give yourself the permission to seek the treatment and attention that your mental health needs?

What if the therapist judges me?

Every therapist claims they are nice and nonjudgmental. That doesn’t mean you truly believe it. For those cautious and skeptical parts of you, I want you to know, that’s okay. It’s absolutely okay to have your guard up. Starting therapy feels awkward. As with every relationship, it takes time to build trust.

Take the time to share slowly, if that is what your system needs. Watch how your therapist responds to your words and concerns. You will notice that you either feel more settled and at peace, or if your shame increases. Trust this internal feedback. If you are comfortable, let your therapists know you feel this way, and see how they respond to your words.

Will I get in trouble?

shame and postpartum. perinatal mental health. shame and pregnancy.

One of the biggest fears that pushes clients away from voicing their experiences is the fear of how others will react. In prenatal and postpartum therapy, I see many clients hesitate to talk about how they truly are with their children and relationships. Not only are they managing their internal shame, but they are weary of judgement and negative consequences. Clients are often fearful because they fear the truth will lead to the therapist ending the relationship, calling the Children’s Aid Society or disliking the person. So let’s address these fears:

1) If I am truthful, my therapist will end the relationship:

In most cases, therapists will only end the relationship if they are outside of their clinical scope or the treatment goals have been met. If you have met your treatment goals, that’s wonderful! Celebrate all of your hard work. You don’t necessarily have to end your relationship with your therapist, but you can talk about tapering off sessions or increasing the time in between appointments. If it’s loneliness that drives you to stay, your therapist will support you in exploring how to improve outside relationships. It is not okay that the therapy room is the only space where you are heard, validated and supported.

If your counselling goals are beyond your therapist’s knowledge and skills, they will admit this to you. It isn’t personal. Consider your experiences with other specialists. You may really love your hairdresser, but this is not the person who can necessarily answer your medical concerns. You connect with the clinician who is best able to meet each of your needs. If you keep asking your hairdresser for advice on all things medical, neither of you will leave satisfied or confident that your goals can be achieved.

2) What if they call the Children’s Aid Society (CAS)?

shame and postpartum. perinatal mental health. shame and pregnancy.

This is a common myth that prevents parents from reaching out for postpartum therapy. Postpartum depression often shows up as rage, anger, outbursts and distress. I see many parents who are frustrated with themselves and with others, but are too scared to ask for help in fear of being reported. Postpartum depression deserves respect, compassion and appropriate support. The only reason to reach out to CAS is if there is a genuine concern about a child’s physical or emotional safety. If there is a worry about abuse or neglect, your therapist will ask you directly. However, yelling at your child does not mean an automatic phone call for outside authorities. Having negative or intrusive thoughts does not mean we are automatically contacting outside authorities.

3) What if my therapist dislikes me?

shame and postpartum. perinatal mental health. shame and pregnancy.

I can’t speak for other therapists, but I can speak for myself about this worry. The beauty of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is that IFS therapists are always looking for positive intentions. This means, irrespective of the behaviour, words, or emotion (anger, infidelity, jealousy, disgust, etc), your IFS therapist is always trying to understand how there are parts of you trying to get you through a difficult moment. It’s not about assessing whether the outcome is successful or whether the efforts are worth it. It’s about understanding the actual intention.

IFS therapists go to their own therapy. It’s how we do the work we do. If I feel triggered in a session, that’s an indicator that there is some part inside of me needing support and attention. It has nothing to do with you; it has to do with my own history and experiences. That part, similar to yours, will need support and processing. I take it to my own session or my supervisor. IFS therapists’ intentions are always to keep our parts out of the session, because in therapy, it really is about the client. It’s not about my agenda or my needs; it’s about yours.

The shame of not meeting our own expectations:

You had lots of hopes and dreams of how your pregnancy or postpartum months would turn out. Chances are you did not wish for mental illness.

Many of us struggle when our expectations are not met. We feel a sense of shame and inadequacy in falling short. You may have hoped to be a Pinterest-parent, and realized you have zero interest in arts and crafts. Perhaps you thought you’d enjoy spending days with the baby, and found you were bored out of your mind by week 4. Maybe you thought you’d ace the whole sleep training thing, only to be struggling 15 months later with a toddler who refuses to go to bed. Somehow these results create a sense of failure that we equate into our self worth.

For any parent who struggles with this sense of “inadequacy”, please know that you are not alone. We all have moments where we worry about being good enough parents. Remember that you have so many years ahead of you to figure this out. We often label ourselves as success or failures, but we fail to pay attention to all the efforts and practice we need to improve our skills. We will screw up many times, and we will learn constantly. In this way, there is always space for us to grow.

goals, high expectations. shame and parenting

It isn’t fair to assume we’ll be great at parenting from day one. Think about how it was like when you first learned to drive. In the start, you were in the “conscious incompetent” stage where are very aware that you have no idea what you are doing. However, with time, you get to a place where you can automatically drive your car. Unfortunately, when we are at this place of “unconscious competence” (a.k.a. “I don’t have to think about it, I can do it in my sleep”), we forget how much we initially struggled. We forget the intensity and shame of not doing well.

Make it safe

We can all play a role in reducing the shame of mental illness and perinatal mental health. Talk about your experiences openly with safe others. Offer validation and compassion to those who are in this phase of life. Reach out to a therapist that you can trust. We can work to shift away from judgment, and instead, appreciate that we are all doing our very best.

Warmly,

Kasi

Kasi Shan, MSW, RSW
Kasi Shan, MSW, RSW

Kasi Shan Therapy is located in Kitchener, Ontario. She offers in-person and online appointments supporting individuals with struggling with trauma and perinatal mental health.