kshanmuk, Author at Kasi Shan Therapy

COVID-19: Working with the fear of not knowing

Published on July 4, 2020August 17, 2022 by kshanmuk

One of the biggest struggles with COVID-19 is the uncertainty with this virus. How do we treat it? Will we become infected? How long will we need to maintain physical distance?
Given that there is so much that is unknown right now, it is understandable that many of us are struggling with anxiety. The following are some suggestions that may help support your emotions.

1) Find areas in your life where you have control.

Do you have a routine that you follow? How are you managing to get adequate sleep, exercise, and diet? How are you practicing physical distancing? While there is a lot of uncertainty right now, notice and foster the many areas in your life where you have control.

2) Physical distancing is not the same as social distancing.

For many extroverts, it is extremely difficult to not have access to other people. Practicing physical distancing does not mean emotional isolation. Stay in touch via electronics. Yes, for once in our lives, it is acceptable to encourage screen time!

Are you feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty of the coronavirus? You are not alone. Read these strategies to calm down your emotions during this pandemic. — Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

3) Limit your time reading the news

Stay informed, but do not stay glued to CNN, CTV, BBC, or wherever you get your news stories. Set a limited amount of time to tune in during the day so that you are aware of what is going on. Too much time reading about COVID-19 can leave us overwhelmed.

4) Validate your anxieties

Of course, you are overwhelmed right now. We have not faced COVID-19 before, and we don’t know what to expect. Your anxiety is a natural human emotion that is letting you know it’s worried about something bad happening in in the future. Validation does not cure anxiety. However, notice what happens to your emotions when you recognize the normalcy of feeling scared versus pushing it away or trying to argue with it.

5) Notice how you take care of yourself

Your anxiety will feel calmer once it trust that you will take care of yourself today, as well as in the future. This might involve creating a plan for your finances, your work, your health, your education, and so forth. What are you doing right now to ensure you are staying safe and well? Remind yourself often of these steps to help reinforce to your anxiety that you are doing your very best.

6) Create a plan if you were to get sick

This does not mean ruminate for hours, but set aside 10 minutes to plan for this possibility. If you were to start showing symptoms, what would be your first step? Knowing even a few of the steps you will need to take can balance out the fear of uncertainty.

7) Enjoy your space

A patient recently told me “your home is not your prison”, and I really resonated with this statement. You’ve worked so hard to create a beautiful home, and now you’re finally allowed to spend time in it. You may have considered slowing down with the busyness of life. Now, many tasks and errands have been removed from your daily responsibilities. Don’t get me wrong- this is no one’s idea of a vacation. However, there is a sense of release when given permission to spend time at home and enjoy activities at a slower pace.

As always, please feel free to reach out or share this post.

Cheers,
Kasi

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Understanding your window of tolerance. Kasi Shan Therapy offers counselling services in Kitchener, ON and Online.

Understanding our Window of Tolerance

Published on July 4, 2020August 17, 2022 by kshanmuk

A few weeks ago, I wrote Why is everything harder after trauma? In continuing the conversation about trauma’s shift to our nervous system, I came across this great little video that explains the window of tolerance in a very accessible way. For my fellow learners, I hope this piques your interest! For fellow parents, I hope this opens the door to speaking to your teens and children about common signs following trauma.

As a refresher, the window of tolerance is a term that describes our ideal state. It shows the most effective state of arousal where we can thrive and handle daily stressors. When we experience too much trauma or distress, our window of tolerance narrows, and we become more emotionally vulnerable (i.e. more quick to shut down, become angry, etc.)

Knowing more about window of tolerance is only the first step. Let’s bring this to your own experiences. Try this quick assessment to see how you normally respond when you are out of your optimal zone. Check off the symptoms that you typically experience and rate the intensity of these behaviours from 1 (mild), 2 (moderate), or 3 (severe).

Window of tolerance and hyperaroused. Kasi Shan Therapy support individuals needing support with perinatal mental health and trauma.

Here are few simple exercises that you can practice to get you back within your window of tolerance:

Mindfulness practice: i.e. Pay attention to your external environment by noting 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Focusing on getting grounded by pushing your feet firmly into the ground
Deep breathing
Progressive muscle relaxation exercises
Exercise
Using items that soothe or activate your physical senses (i.e. eating comfort foods, being wrapped in a warm blanket, soothing music, touching an ice cube)

We do not have to be in these states of distress forever. For further information and support, please reach out.

Schedule a free consult

Kasi Shan, MSW, RSW

Kasi Shan Therapy is located in Kitchener, Ontario. She offers in-person and online appointments supporting individuals with struggling with trauma and perinatal mental health.

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Race and cultural sensitivity in counselling

Race and Culture in Therapy

Published on July 3, 2020 by kshanmuk

Given the atrocities that have cost lives in the past few weeks (e.g., George Floyd, Breonna Taylor), race and ethnicity are at the forefront of many minds. I have been thinking a lot about racial and cultural sensitivity within a counselling space, and I wanted to take some time to share how I address both in therapy.

I am a woman of color, and in many ways I will understand and empathize with your experiences. In many ways, your experiences will be fundamentally different from mine. My understanding will then come from the openness to learn and engage in nonjudgmental conversations with you. This is not a pressure to share and talk about race and culture, but the invitation to do so. I will not presume to know what life has been like for you. I can provide compassion, but I have not walked in your shoes and lived out your years of experience. At the end of the day, our relationship grows from continued dialogue. Your healing comes from feeling the safety to share, and gaining skills to address the traumas that you have experienced. It is fostered by the knowledge that there is mutual respect and kindness between you and your therapist.

I practice cultural sensitivity by engaging in continuous conversations of how your history has shaped you into becoming the person you are today. It’s essential in therapy to understand context. It is important to understand how your traditions, religion, culture, socioeconomic status, family values, beliefs, and other factors all work together to influence your experiences and worldview. We need to acknowledge how all of these pieces create unique benefits and barriers to accessing the life you would like to live. There is no space for judgement in therapy; whatever choices you made or actions you took to get yourself here are all moments of survival.

Race and cultural sensitivity in psychotherapy

I am always hesitant to self-disclose, whether in blogs or in sessions, because I do not want our sessions to be about me. This is your time for healing, and my job is to support. However, trust is an integral part of counselling, and now more than ever, talking about race and culture is pivotal.

So here is my story: My family and I are refugees from Sri Lanka. I came to Canada at a young age and experienced the pains and joys of being a first generation Canadian. We lived in a financially-constrained household as my parents began to build roots and security in a new country. The first time I travelled, I was shocked to experience more racism abroad than I had ever experienced in my ethnically-diverse hometown (Scarborough). I have been told that I am not Canadian-enough and picked over for a Caucasian-peer. I have also been selected for roles due to tokenism. None of these experiences feel positive. I am married to a Caucasian, and we have had some interesting times learning to grow as a couple, while also working to recognize that interracial couples are not always accepted. I also have many privileges, such as my education, having a safe home, a loving family, and being able-bodied. These are my experiences, and they are unique to me. Just like your experiences are your own.

If you would like to engage in dialogues about cultural sensitivity in therapy, or other counselling needs, please reach out.

Kasi

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Calming the anxieties of our inner perfectionist

Published on July 2, 2020August 17, 2022 by kshanmuk

I have talked about the “perfectionist” part of me in previous posts. When this part of me gets going, it wants to set high standards and throw all concepts of work/life balance out the window. You may have a similar perfectionist inside of you. This perfectionist may say harsh comments like: Why are you not good enough? Why aren’t you trying harder? How are you making so many mistakes? Are you really taking a break right now? How are you screwing this up? You notice your anxiety continuing to increase with each and every question. It never feels easy to hear these criticisms, and the struggle to calm this part of you can feel like the biggest hurdle.

Calming the anxieties of our inner perfectionist. Kasi Shan Therapy offers counselling support online and in Kitchener, ON

There are a lot of components that go into creating this perfectionist. We all carry wounds and burdens from our past. The ways in which we were raised, our childhood experiences, our moments of distress, and many other factors collaborate to form this perfectionist. Ironically, this perfectionist is acting in ways that it feels are the most effective in getting results. It hopes that by yelling, criticizing, or nagging, you will improve. Despite these well-intentions, the perfectionist’s words are hard to hear, especially when they fly at you frequently and incessantly. There are many ways we can support this part. We can use counselling strategies like EMDR and IFS to learn what happened to create this part of our personalities. We can then provide it the space and tools it needs in order to feel less anxious. We can focus on exposure work to help this part of you learn that making mistakes is not the be-all and end-all that it fears. We can gently challenge some of its beliefs to change thought patterns. We can work on mindfulness to recognize when this part gets triggered, and support it much sooner.

I want you to have support right now if your perfectionist parts are feeling anxious. Dr. Christopher Germer is an incredible practitioner who helped develop mindful self-compassion. I encourage you to take a few minutes for yourself and practice this exercise, and I hope that it resonates with you.

At the end of your counselling experience, I hold many hopes for your inner-perfectionists. I hope this perfectionist learns that it’s okay to screw up and to have regrets. Making mistakes is part of being human. I hope this part knows that there is a future beyond this moment and this mistake. I hope this part of you recognizes that this is a moment of suffering; there is a beginning, and there will be an end (even though, sometimes it feels like it lasts forever). I hope it realizes that this moment can be just that: one moment in a lifetime of many moments. I hope that it is able to look around and see that there is more to you than being perfect. I hope it notices the humor, the personality, the kindness, the patience, the efforts, and all the other factors that make you a well-rounded person. I hope it recognizes that these other factors do not go away because you have made a mistake. I hope this perfectionist inside learns to accept that you are not perfect, nor do you have to be perfect, or prove to others that you are perfect.

As always, if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to reach out.

Kasi

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Simple daily mindfulness exercises

Published on June 29, 2020August 17, 2022 by kshanmuk

What would your life be like if you had control over your attention or thoughts? How could you shift your behaviours if you became aware of when your emotions started to take a downward shift? What would happen if you could become more present with your environment or the people around you?

Mindfulness is the skill of moment to moment awareness of what is happening (both internally in your system, and externally in your environment). It involves noticing what is taking place without judging or trying to change things. While this skill takes practice, it does not have to involve complicated or lengthy exercises. Here are some simple ideas of how you can practice being mindful daily:

1) Drinking your morning coffee (or insert beverage of choice).

Take a few minutes to bring your attention to the experience of drinking. What does your coffee taste like, smell like, look like? Can you slow the process down so you can notice all the steps in between pouring a cup of coffee to taking your first sip? How does your body move around your kitchen? What noises do you hear as you take out a mug? I encourage you to practice this exercise for 5 minutes. Of course, your mind will wander (don’t worry! It’s meant to wander!) Being mindful involves noticing when your attention wanders, and bringing it back to our set anchor (in this case, the experience of drinking coffee).

2) Listen to music.

Close your eyes to reduce distractions from outside and bring your attention to the song. Notice the shifts in your body as you listen to music. Are there moments when you feel activated? (Can you notice a spark of irritation? An urge to dance? Do you feel it is easier to breathe?) Are there moments when music calms your body, or perhaps leave you feeling unsettled? Take a listen to these two very different pieces of music. Mindfully observe the changes that happen in your body (and of course, try not to change the experience, or judge it!)

3) Describe a person you dislike nonjudgmentally.

How often are you critical? Do you tend to make quick conclusions about people? Has this behaviour gotten you in trouble? Being nonjudgmental involves describing what we observe with our five senses (therefore, sticking with objective facts) versus evaluating or interpreting people or things. Being nonjudgmental moves us away from relying on harsh, emotional language. Choose a celebrity, a teacher, a family member, a TV personality, or anyone that you have found annoying and describe them using nonjudgmental language (To learn more about the skill of non-judgement visit DBT Self-Help). Why am I mentioning mindfulness today? Well, let’s be honest, we’re all a little anxious right now because of this pandemic. Mindfulness is one of many strategies that can support our emotions at this time.

As always, please feel free to share or reach out if you have any questions!

Cheers,
Kasi

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5 reasons why parents don’t seek treatment for postpartum depression

Published on June 28, 2020August 18, 2022 by kshanmuk

We know the rate of postpartum depression is quite high, and that it affects approximately 1/7 moms and 1/10 dads. The symptoms can vary from uncontrollable tears, rage, lack of appetite, and endless worries. It is meant to be a beautiful time where you build a bond with your newborn, but this emotional roller coaster doesn’t allow you to nurture this relationship. So, what gets in the way of seeking treatment for postpartum depression (PPMD)?

When it comes to accessing help, there are five common misconceptions that create a barrier:

1) Postpartum depression is a “mom” issue.

False! Firstly, there is no way to live with a family member who has mental health struggles and not become affected in some way or form. Mental health has a ripple effect. Secondly, the impact of adjusting to life with a baby is equally stressful for dads, adopted parents, and caregivers. In fact, these other support persons can also experience postpartum depression. PPMD can affect anyone, irrespective of age, race, culture, education or financial status.

What prevents you from seeking treatment for postpartum depression? Here are 5 common Myths. Reach out to Kasi Shan Therapy if you are struggling with postpartum depression. — Photo by nappy on Pexels.com

2) If I ask for help, they will take my baby away.

This comment gets whispered often, and my heart breaks every time I hear it. I think the Children’s Aid Society has done an incredible job over the years in supporting children in staying safe. At the same time, I think our history has been marred by CAS experiences that have created caution and distrust.

As a social worker, I can clarify that my duty to report is solely in situations where there is genuine threat to a baby. Postpartum parents struggle with their own emotions and this, in turn, makes it hard for them to take care of their child. The intent is not to be physically harmful towards their child. In fact, the primary stressors I witness in postpartum parents are guilt and insecurity. They are struggling because they worry of not being a good enough parent. There is guilty about not spending enough time with their baby or their loved ones. These caregivers stress about how they cannot provide for their child as well as they would like. None of these worries are a concern about child safety. Instead, this is a parent who is expressing suffering, and they should be treated with compassion.

3) I can’t have postpartum depression; I’m not crying or sad all the time.

Depression is often described as a heavy cloud that hangs over us, making it hard to feel motivated, enjoy life, or be ourselves. It’s understandable to dismiss symptoms of PPMD because it doesn’t show up in the same ways as depression. With PPMD, there are a variety of different symptoms that can be seen, including:

sadness
overwhelmed/stressed
scary of unwanted thoughts
flashbacks/trauma about the pregnancy or delivery
anxiety
sleep troubles
emptiness
rage/irritability
appetite troubles
lack of energy
avoidance
disinterest
fear of being along
fear of being separated from baby
concentration difficulties

5 myths that prevent a parent from seeking treatment for postpartum depression. Reach out to Kasi Shan Therapy for support — Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

4) I won’t get better or This is how parenting is supposed to be.

Postpartum depression is treatable! With effective support, parents can recover. Moreover, treatment is more efficient when support is offered sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, many parents assume “feeling bad” is normal during postpartum. There is an adjustment period involved when a baby comes into the home. However, if the stress in adjusting is overwhelming, and if it does not get better with time, it warrants some extra support. Others may make flippant remarks like, “get used to it.” It doesn’t mean your emotional struggles are any less real, nor should they minimized.

5) I didn’t think I had it. I was fine for the first few months.

Postpartum depression does not show up right away, and so it can often be missed. Postpartum Support International recommends that we assess for perinatal depression throughout the pregnancy (every trimester), as well as at 1, 2, and 6 months postpartum. There has also been new research indicating the benefits in assessing at 9 and 12 months as parents begin to return to work, and they face another large adjustment period. Because some parents may not have noticed clear indicators of stressors before this time, it is easy to assume that what they are experiencing is not postpartum depression.

Fellow caregivers, if you are struggling with PPMD, know that it is not your fault. There is no single cause for having PPMD, and there are a variety of genetic and environmental factors that increase your vulnerabilities. If you, or your loved ones are needing support, please reach out.

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5 tips to deal with stress: Reach out to Kasi Shan Therapy for counselling support online & in-person in Kitchener, ON

5 Tips to handle stress

Published on June 28, 2020August 17, 2022 by kshanmuk

Many times in life we come across a problem that we cannot fix right away. During these times, therapists encourage a fancy term called “distress tolerance”. But what exactly does this term mean? Distress tolerance is all about handling a stressful moment without making matters worse.

Let’s say you’re expecting to have a difficult conversation with your spouse that evening. It makes sense that you feel at edge most of the day. You may end up drinking, avoiding your family members, being snippy with your colleagues, cancelling work, or any other strategy to cope with the edginess. These behaviours all make sense given that you’re stressed about the upcoming conversation. However, all of these behaviours tend to create further complications. Not only do you have to deal with the difficult conversation with your partner, but you also have to sober up, apologize for the avoidant behaviours, make amends to your relationships with colleagues, and grovel to your boss. All in all, we’ve taken a crappy situation, and made it significantly harder.

Don’t get me wrong, I have also chosen some not-so effective strategies on my worst days. We all make mistakes. The point is not to judge ourselves for these mistakes. Instead, we want to see if there are better ways to help us cope. This is where distress tolerance skills come into play. Using well-known strategies like distractions (i.e. video games, reading, watching TV, exercise) and self-care (i.e. comfort foods, long bath, getting a massage) are perfect at these times. They help you tolerate the waiting period until the end of the day when you can finally address the real issue with your spouse.

People often get frustrated with coping strategies because “they don’t make us feel good”. Fair enough. Distress tolerance isn’t meant to make you feel better (although, if they do put you in a better mood, enjoy it 🙂 ). These coping skills are all about tolerating the pain, not actually fixing the pain. In the above example, your primary concern is getting through a hard conversation with your spouse. Unless this is addressed and resolved, why expect that watching TV, taking a walk, or any other distraction will make you feel better? So how do we practice “distress tolerance skills” effectively? Here are a few key points:

1) Find distractions that actually get you distracted

If you are going to be bored out of your mind reading a textbook, this is not an effective coping strategy! Your mind will naturally return back to whatever is stressing you out. If you’re stuck thinking of effective distractions, I recommend an activity that is active or new so that you have to concentrate on the task at hand. Think about the first time you drove a car on your own. If you were angry that day, consider how difficult it would have been to maintain the intensity of your anger AND concentrate on following all the steps to drive. Your mind doesn’t have the mental capacity to do both at the same time effectively. Instead, you have to mindfully focus on driving so that you don’t crash.

2) Have a bunch of coping strategies to use in a moment of crisis.

Some days we’ll only need to dance along with music in the car to ease our anxieties. Other days, we may have to eat a chocolate bar, go for a bike ride, snuggle up with our pets AND practice some breathing exercises. Neither options are wrong. It just depends on our needs in that moment.

3) Use the acronym ACCEPTS

This is a great term from dialectical behaviour therapy that is useful for distress tolerance.

A= Activities (Participate in activities that you enjoy, or help you stay effectively distracted)

C= Contribute (Helping others out makes us feel better about ourselves, and it takes us away from our own stress)

C= Compare (Think about a time when you struggled more than this present moment. This helps you recognize that you were able to overcome hardships, and puts this current issue into perspective).

E= Emotions (What will create a different emotion than the one you’re feeling? Watching sitcoms makes me laugh. Going for a run makes me feel confident. Giving my son hugs makes me happy. What works for you?)

P= Push away thoughts (Definitely not one I recommend long-term. It’s okay to tell yourself that you cannot think about a certain stressor right now. For example, if you’re supposed to be concentrating on your exam, it’s probably not the ideal time to be thinking about a fight you had with your partner the day before. Pushing away thoughts is a helpful method so long as you come back to the thought at a more convenient time).

T= replace Thoughts (Focus on something else. Plan your family vacation. Think about the book you’re reading. How do you think it will end? Basically, focus on anything else except the present issue).

S= Sensations (Find safe physical sensations to use as distractions. i.e. a soothing cup of tea, a cold ice cube, a hot compress).

4) It’s okay to take a mini-vacation from the stressor if it takes a long time to get things sorted.

Whether this is a physical escape or a short mental break (i.e. guided meditation, pushing away thoughts). The stressor is still there when you return from the break, but the rest gives you some time to feel calmer and more at peace

5) Problem solve whenever possible!

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán on Pexels.com

At the end of the day, nothing will help you feel fully at peace until the stressor is resolved (or you willingly radically accept that the issue will not be fixed). This means hunkering down and brainstorming various solutions. As always, everyone’s situation is unique. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out.

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Using Internal Family Systems therapy to help with anxieties about COVID19. Contact Kasi Shan Therapy for counselling support in kitchener, ON.

A conversation with my anxiety: Supporting fears about COVID-19

Published on June 27, 2020August 18, 2022 by kshanmuk

There is an abundance of updates about the coronavirus pandemic, and it’s hard to not let our anxieties overwhelm us. The following are some of my anxious thoughts over the last week, and how I used Internal Family Systems therapy to shift my relationship with these fears.

There is a part of me that feels like a helpless little kid with this pandemic. This kid feels scared and uncertain of what to do. She’s worried about the safety of her family, friends, and loved ones. This kid feels overwhelmed and anxious by the constant updates of interventions, closures, and new cases. She wants to hide inside hoping that bad things cannot penetrate the four walls of her home.

There is another part of me that is angry. This part is frustrated by the flurry of shopping, the crummy communication from political leaders, and the lack of resources available for healthcare staff. She wants to have a temper tantrum and yell at anyone who will listen that all of this sucks. And finally, there is a part that feels like a whirling ball of panic. This part wants to join the masses and just freak out. It wants to buy all the toilet paper.

I took some time this weekend to understand why I’ve been feeling like this lately, and I hope these words may resonate with you. It may seem odd to think of anxieties as external parts of a person. However, Internal Family Systems Therapy has taught me how to have a different kind of relationship with my feelings. It has taught me to recognize that I am separate from my emotions. It’s helped me realize that there is a solid and stable person who is always present; however, sometimes anxieties can make it hard to access this person.

When my thoughts and emotions become loud and agitated, I try to pause and listen to them. This is not always simple, because the avoidant part of me comes out saying she doesn’t feel like working with my uncomfortable emotions. It can take time to negotiate with my avoidance to ease up and let me understand what’s going on in my mind. I work on validating my emotions. I can appreciate my anger at this time. I get why I feel frustrated for those trying to manage with a lack of resources and an ever-increasing demand in supply. My heart goes out to all of the hardworking healthcare staff who are being asked to do more and more. I have so much sympathy for those living in the epicentre of this scare. Yet, I ask my anger to step back, as much as it is willing. I ask it to trust in me to handle this situation to the best of my ability. Through my training with IFS, I can understand that my anger is protecting me from feeling helpless. It is much more empowering to feel angry than to say “I don’t know how to make this stop.”

I can appreciate the need to dive into the mosh-pit of panic (Truthfully, I think this part of me would not have been as anxious if I had avoided Costco). The panic wants me to ensure that my loved ones and I are prepared for whatever is coming next. It notices that others are preparing, and it wants to guarantee that my family is also ready.

I think it is understandable to feel helpless at times. It’s hard to feel in control when we are experiencing a pandemic. It is not easy to take things day by day when we don’t feel secure about the future. It is fair that I want answers and plenty of reassurance that this health scare will dissipate and that my loved ones are going to be okay. I wish I could provide my anxieties that security, but I cannot guarantee this. I do not have a crystal ball that will predict the future, and I do not want to make false promises to myself. Instead, I ask my anxieties to trust in me. I ask it to trust that I have the capacity and strength to handle each new update. I ask it to trust that I have the wherewithal to reach out to my friends and family members and be with them in this time of confusion.

Anxious about COVID-19? Using IFS to soothe our worries. Contact Kasi Shan Therapy for further support. — Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

During the next few days, if you notice you are feeling anxious, I encourage you to take a quiet moment to reflect.

What thoughts and emotions have taken up space in the last few days?
What happens when you acknowledge them?
What is this emotion or thought trying to do for you? Can you identify the positive intention? Can you appreciate its intent?

As always, please feel free to reach out if you have questions, or share this post with others.
PS: For further information about anxiety and the coronavirus, please visit: Anxiety Canada

Cheers,
Kasi

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Why leaving an abusive relationship is so hard

Published on June 27, 2020August 17, 2022 by kshanmuk

How often have you been asked, “Why don’t you just leave?” It’s a common comment made by some well-intentioned (or perhaps not so well-intended) friends who have never experienced intimate partner violence. The following are some of the many reasons why you may be having a hard time making this decision.

Love– yes, there is still love within the relationship. There are moments of tenderness, encouragement, hugs, intimacy that can keep you hooked. If it was all bad, it would be much easier to leave. But, it’s hard to forget the positive moments that have taken place during the length of time you’ve been together

Why is leaving an abusive relationship so hard? If you are struggling, reach out to Kasi Shan Therapy: Counselling support online/in Kitchener, ON — Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

Desire to help– This factor goes along with love. Perhaps there was an event that triggered this shift in your partner (i.e. loss of job, car accident, substance use). There is the best of intentions to help your partner work through trauma, grief, or stress.
Fear– What if leaving just makes things worse? If you worry that your partner will not calm down after you leave, it may seem safer to stay within the more predictable arrangement.
Expectations of others– Divorce and separation are not always met with approval by families or cultures. If you were to leave your relationship, would you receive support or would you face judgement?
Self-esteem– There is little doubt that staying with an abusive individual can impact self-worth. When hurtful words are directed at you incessantly, it is easy to start internalizing these negative messages. You may believe you truly are not worthwhile, incapable of doing better, or are being too sensitive. You may also feel ashamed in acknowledging what has happened within the relationship. It is hard to share the truth; staying allows you to keep this secret.
Normalcy of violence– What if your entire life has been a series of abuse? Would this look any different? Those who have experienced childhood abuse can enter into an abusive intimate relationship, thereby reinforcing the message that abuse is normal.
Finances– Could you afford to live independently in the city? What would your housing arrangements look like? Will you be able to make payments on your bills without your partner’s support?

Why leaving an abusive relationship is so hard. If you're struggling, reach out to Kasi Shan Therapy. Counselling support in Kitchener, ON and online. — Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Children– It’s not an easy decision to shift the family dynamics through separation. Leaving a relationship will mean limited access to the kids, if custody is a concern. It can mean increased expenses in paying for childcare or choosing a bigger living arrangement to accommodate when the kids come over. Staying in a relationship can also mean protecting the kids. If your partner’s anger is targeted at you, then he/she will be too distracted to focus on the kids.
Effort– This is a factor that is often minimized or judged. It is not easy to make a change after many years of being with the same person. You get used to routines and schedules. There is comfort in not having to change your financial status, housing situations, childcare arrangements, etc.
Isolation– What if you didn’t know about local resources? What if you didn’t have a lot of friends or family in town? Once you left, where would you go? It’s hard to make such a large decision without any support nearby.

Leaving an abusive relationship is hard. If you are struggling, reach out to Kasi Shan Therapy. Counselling support in Kitchener, ON/ Online — Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

None of these factors condone or encourage staying. This is a decision that you will have to make many times during the length of your relationship. However, if you ever feel alone and want to talk, know that help is available.
As always, please feel free to share this post, or reach out if you have any questions or concerns.

Cheers,
Kasi

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helping social anxiety with therapy. Kasi Shan Therapy: Services online and in-person in Kitchener, ON

Does social anxiety stop you from starting therapy?

Published on June 27, 2020August 18, 2022 by kshanmuk

I wanted to share this great article (written by Arlin Cuncic, MA) on starting therapy when you have social anxiety. Social anxiety goes beyond mere “shyness”. It is a crippling fear of social situations. The individual experiences endless worries about being rejected, embarrassed or receiving negative evaluation from others. Social anxiety affects approximately 7% of the population. Unfortunately, the actual act of being in counselling is a barrier because it involves meeting a new person (the therapist) and opening up about vulnerabilities. So how can someone with social anxiety get started? Cuncic offers six great tips. Take a minute to read it at Very Well Mind.

Starting therapy with social anxiety. Contact Kasi Shan Therapy - services online and in Kitchener, ON — Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-talk-to-a-therapist-3024912

As humans, we have an innate urge to manage anxiety through avoidance (i.e. scared of flying? Avoid being on a plane.) By attending counselling, you are exposing yourself to a situation that intimidates you. However, each time you keep showing up for therapy, it helps build up your level of tolerance and confidence in handling this social situation. Like any skill, the first time you try something new is challenging and requires conscious effort. There comes a point; however, when you have practiced a skill so frequently that you no longer have to think about it. Think about the first time you reversed your car into a parking lot. Does reversing still take the same level of attention and effort today as it did on day one?

I encourage following the 3-session rule. For anyone new to attending counselling, give it three sessions. The first session will likely be exhausting because your anxiety is incredibly high in starting a new relationship and treatment plan. The second session can be unnerving because we recall how much anxiety we experienced during the first appointment. By the third appointment, many of those fears have eased (at least slightly) because the therapist is no longer a new person, and you have survived two appointments already. Those initial anticipations about therapy (i.e. Will she judge me? Will she push me when I’m not ready? Will she really understand?) have been addressed and clarified.

Please feel free to share or reach out if you have any questions.

Cheers,
Kasi

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